Today is a day that begins a new year. Yes. It is 2010. It is exciting, it is a "fresh start," it is a chance to kiss that special someone when the clock strikes midnight. Yay! Or is it really a yay? The past several months have been very difficult for me. I have faced hardships all my life. The past few months have been no different. I have had difficult classes. Faced conflicts with friends. Been the mediator, encourager, protector, and so much more. At least, I have tried to succeed at being those things. Im grateful I am looked at as a person who can fix things and will comfort people. But in all honesty, it has been hard. Im not about to lie. So yay. Its a new year. Its a fresh start. A new beginning. But wait. Does that mean everything is forgotten? Does that mean people change? Situations change? Are we given a blank slate and a coupon book of second chances?
So many people set "New Years Resolutions." How long do they last? I feel the longest is to the end of January. Honestly, more power to you. You want to change something you find to be a problem - you do it. Key words: DO IT. Ill be honest, Ive set a goal for a year. But Ill also be the first to admit I forgot about it on January 2nd. I know I am not perfect, Im not judging others, placing myself above them. But my frustrations lie with the change that people desire to see, but refuse to do the work to get it. False acclamations. Another reason I dont really like new years is because of the pressure it places on people. "Kiss your sweetheart!" Well, what percentage of the population is single? What does that push them to do? Kiss a stranger! Or, it leaves them with a pint of ice cream, sitting in front of Ryan Seacrest hosting the Dick Clark New Years Celebration, all alone, wishing they had someone to celebrate with. Do you see my point? It reinforces what you dont have. My joke is always that Im going to find someone to kiss on New Years. Guess what? I have yet to cave into that pressure. Even though my best friend told me to pucker up last night at the stroke of midnight. (She was kidding, by the way.) My last intense frustration with this so-called holiday is that is gives people a chance to be dangerous and irresponsible. Drinking is thee way to celebrate new years. How many drunk driving accidents occur that night? Not the greatest beginning to a new year, huh?
Even though I just probably made you think this was going to be a big dud of a note, there is hope. The light at the end of the tunnel is rapidly approaching. Do not fret.
My hard work in my difficult classes has paid off. I got through the semester with ALL As! I have never done that, but have always worked for it. I am simply ecstatic. I made new friends who have provided the type of friendship I need. Lots of fun/funny moments. Opportunities to connect on levels I thought I was alone on. The list goes on and on. The hardships have brought good things along. God will never give you more than you can handle right? "I can do all things through Christ, Who strengthens me." And believe me, the hardships will continue. I can already see it with the courses Im signed up for. Lately I have been feeling like things will never lighten up, though. I have been frustrated with Gods timing, maybe because I feel like it is frozen. I want to take the reigns on my life.
Last night, I did celebrate the new year. Yes, I did. But I went to church and participated in a gospel celebration with 6 or 7 different churches. Apparently black churches hold this celebration each year, starting around 1230 or 1, to bring in the new year. This year, my church hosted it. I was so excited, but I truly had no idea what I was in for.
I felt as if I celebrated the best way imagined. I was moved. I was excited. I was revived. I had an epiphany that my frustration with things in my life not moving forward has been causing things to stop. I have frustrations. I have irritations. They have not disappeared. But I realize that ultimately, I have been frustrated with my Father because He is not allowing things to occur that I want. I found peace last night. Honesty, black people are some of the most incredible and devoted people I have ever met. They are thriving off of their desire to serve the Lord. I want so bad to be like that. I want my only desire to be to serve the Lord. I feel like I have been developing massive amounts of patience through various experiences in college. But this was a whole new level of acceptance and patience. Acceptance that I do not know what is best for me at all times. Acceptance that I do not control my life. Patience on God. Patience that His time is perfect and He will allow things to happen when He has prepared me for them and the time is right. As all these people were rejoicing, throwing their hands up in the air, dancing in the aisles, calling out to Jesus, I was pulled in. I was moved. I was spoken to. It was so fun, and so so incredible.
I know this was a very personal note, (shocking, I know) I didnt even mean to write it this way. And I know its long - sorry about that. But it all came out. I know that these realizations are not going to change difficult obstacles that come my way. But hopefully they will change how I respond to them so that I wont, like, lose it or something. I need strength. I need patience. This semester is going to be difficult. Very difficult. But hopefully I will remain strong in the Lord. I want to dedicate my life to loving and serving the Lord. So maybe the new year isnt bringing goals and blank slates, but new understandings and fresh perspectives.
Im still going to be honest (what has ever stopped me?) Im definitely not excited for this semester. Im not excited to go back to school. Im not excited to continue dealing with the conflicts that have only been put on hold over the break. Im not excited to have things shoved in my face that will remind me of what I dont have and make me try to hurry Gods timing along. But I need to trust that He is right and knows what Hes doing. Because He is and He does. So Im excited to see what He is going to have me do. I am excited to see the lessons and blessings He is going to give me. Im excited... for being Gods child, loving Him with all my heart, and waiting patiently on what He is going to do next in my life.
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