I was bathing a dog before she went in for surgery. She was from the pound in El Cajon. She was adorable and so sweet. She was a dark tan with a black face (which is actually what I really really want right now after seeing some puppies like that and having a dream about having a dog that looked like that). She was a pit bull mix... I know, but I fell in love with her. And it was not just because she was sedated in preparation for her surgery. She was so sweet as she put her head on my arm while I dried her and looked up at me with her pleading, sad eyes while I bathed her. Mind you, I did not intend on this happening. I was told she was extremely extremely animal aggressive. But because she was so sedated, she didnt put forth any effort to attack. I felt this was potential to kick the aggression habit. I bathed her, dried her, and took an extra amount of time loving her. I didnt know if she was going to a family, or was just getting spayed and going back to ECAC. So I talked to her while I got her all clean. A girl I work with were walking back and forth by the tub. I said, "I really love this dog. I really want her." She just kinda laughed. I know shes had that desire before though.
I continued talking to my dog and told her about how this isnt uncommon, that I fall in love with a dog, but its usually because I know its a special one. Then I explained how much of an issue Im going to have being a vet... My issue isnt how am I going to treat ill animals. That will be difficult, especially when I lose them. But my problem will be how do I look at an animal begging me to take them home with me and say no?? I dont know how often Ill be able to. And this dog was animal aggressive. I have animals. There was no question she couldnt go home with me. My animals always take first priority. Always.
I finished up and decided I better take her back to the techs so they can finish prepping her for surgery. As I walked into the tech area with my stumbling girl, I looked at one of the techs and said, "I love this dog.... I really want her." She gave me a small grin and said, "Nooo.... Shes animal aggressive." I said, "I know! And I still want her!!" After I put her back in her cage, she told me she was going to a home after the surgery. Whew. I was so thankful someone was taking her.
The rest of the day, while I worked, I thought about various animals I wanted to adopt in my time of working. I figured out something about myself: I become attached to every animal I encounter. No dog is just another dog to me, its Gracie, or Harley, or Skya. Each dog is an individual. Each dog is special. Each animal develops a special place in my heart. I think thats also why my job is so hard and exhausting. I invest so much of myself in those animals. Each one has to get a greeting. Each one has to be given attention and feel special. They dont have their moms or dads to make them feel loved or comforted. Anyways. Im realizing all this about myself and my job. I think its good for me, but I dont know what this means. I dont know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. I already know how it has destruct me... continuously bringing more animals home, to tear apart my house or whatever.
Word of the wise... if you love animals, dont go into a profession with animals. You have to love animals to be a vet, but you cant love animals. You have to be objective. You have to be able to think clearly without having your judgment clouded by playing favorites or feeling guilty an animal doesnt have a home.
And so I continue to contemplate quitting in various situations I face. And if I do
decide to quit, obviously it means Im not cut out to be a vet... But that means theres another plan. It doesnt mean Im a loser, it means I have something else tha
ts for me. Anyways. There is not really a point to this blog. Just thoughts. Confessions. Realizations. Curiosity. We shall see what unfolds from this new discovery....However for now, my animals remain the sole holders of my heart. My animals will always have my heart.
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