The Things I Dont Talk About

Its funny how an hour ago, I was lying in bed, exhausted in so many ways and excited to finally shut my eyes and drift off to sleep. I was staring at a beautiful painting on my wall with a verse on it, "I will lie down and sleep in peace, for You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety." - Psalm 4:8

And I felt peace. And then there it was again... the nagging thing that has been bothering me for a while. Nagging things. Not really bothering me, but surrounding me and consuming me at times. And now, Im wide awake.

As Im nearing the end of my undergrad schooling, I am obviously forced to face all types of things. Some good. Some stressful. Some saddening. Some unexpected. Some scary. The list goes on and on. And I look back on my years here at Cal Baptist. These years have been not at all what I expected. But Im getting ahead of myself... All my thoughts are jumbling together. Organization is key.

These past 4 years have been hard. With struggle after struggle. I expected to make friends I would keep forever. And I have a handful of those, and for them I thank the Lord every day. I expected challenges, but more bright sides and lessons to learn from. But I have lost more relationships than I can count. I have opened myself to get hurt. I have trusted and been deceived. I have made myself available, but have been left feeling lonely.

I have played mom, nurse, friend, advisor, student, leader, sister, etc. etc. etc.. And I am so grateful for the opportunities to do so. I am truly humbled and blessed by every role I was placed to play. It equipped me for the future... which I have no idea what that may be.

I have allowed myself to believe the things people tell me without seeing the actions behind it. (This is the whole faith thing I talked about a few posts ago.) I am not someone who easily trusts, but I try to have faith. Faith that the Lord has a reason for the person, the situation, whatever it may be. And that encourages me to open my heart a little. And 9 times out of 10, I am reminded why I dont trust easily. 

I try to be dependable, trustworthy, faithful, encouraging, available, welcoming to the people around me. Given, I probably dont succeed. But I try my very best to be there when I am most needed. And as much as I love to be the person people confide in, I hate to be the person seeking after someone to listen to me. Call it a flaw, but I dont seek people out when Im in need. Ive never been in need but I have needed someone to confide in. 

I have never been in a place where I have felt more lonely. Given, it is not a consistent feeling... sometimes I feel very surrounded by love. But in the past 4 years, I have felt more alone than I have ever felt in my whole life. Maybe its my fault - for not seeking people out. 

I think just about every one of my closest friends here is either in a relationship, engaged, or married. Ever been the single friend? Welcome to my life. I dont want pity. Its not something I lose sleep over... haha as Im sitting here, unable to sleep at 1230am, talking about everyone being in a relationship... But really, Im ok. What makes my position harder, though, is being at a school that gives out a MRS degree along with your actual degree. Im not knocking anyone. Im happy for everyone who found their soulmate in college - given, my sister is one of them - but its often times a difficult place to be in.

Ive never been tested or pushed harder in school, in relationships, in new experiences... Ive been spent to my max. Many times. Luckily, I dont think too many people have seen me get to that point. I have felt like an absolute failure, where whatever I try, I cant seem to do well enough. (This is usually when I hit my max.)

And then I think of once Im out of this place in the next few weeks... what am I going to do?? Where will I be? And more thoughts cross my mind... (Actually, these arent nearly as stressful to me right now as you would assume. Im so ready to be done and home that I welcome these stresses with a kiss on both cheeks.)

I have no motivation to do anything. Its taking everything I have just to do my homework right now. My inspiration is drained. My desires are lacking. Im in for quite a wake up call....

What is even realistic for me?? What is possible for me?? School is so hard. My dream is to be a veterinarian, but I feel I might kill myself in the process with all the hard work. And whos to say how long itll take me to even get into school. Can my dream become a reality? Or is it something that will always be a great idea, but just not a great idea for me? 

What is in San Diego? What keeps me there? If my precious sister and brother in law move away, part of the reason why I love San Diego will disappear. Part of my heart will be gone. So is Oregon a place Im ready to consider? Jordanna and John are at such peace about that decision and I am so so grateful for that. I wish I had a little clarity in that area.

And then I think of all the blessings that surround me. Because I truly am blessed. And I dont want to get into a mind set of self pity or feeling sorry for myself. I am surrounded by so much I dont deserve. But reality caves in on me every time. And the reality is that Im graduating. Another friend told me shes engaged tonight. Reality just keeps coming. Keeps attacking.

What I realize most in this moment, is that in the past 4 years, at no point have I had anything figured out. At no point have I been in control. At no point have my plans worked out just as I wanted them to. Lesson? Uhh ya think?? Clearly I am not in control. And I can say this til Im blue in the face, and still try to hold a finger on everything in my life. In it all, God has taken care of me. I still dont understand why things have happened. Why certain storms have come my way. But Im still standing. I may be wavering... but Im standing, by the grace of God. And I guess that shall be what I cling to. What I depend on. That no matter what, the Lord will provide for me and protect me. 

Adventurous Fail

Tonight, I embarked on a daring adventure. It was one that has been a long time coming. Completely out of my comfort zone. Definitely something I would never attempt on my own. Something I am sure you will be shocked at. And, of course, in the midst of it all, I learned something about myself... as I usually do in such instances. But let me back up. Im getting ahead of myself and Im sure, close to losing my audience.

For about a year or more now, my friend has been trying to convince me and several of my other friends to go iceskating. Im sure youre already laughing. The story, my dear reader, has only just begun. Weve almost gone a few times, but it kept falling through. Well, this time he got me in the perfect spot where I had to say yes. And I had told him I would go with him at some point because he is so passionate about it and really wants people to experience it with him. So, tonight was the first night of our night class. Yes. This means I am halfway through my LAST semester as an undergraduate student!!! I have eight weeks of this night course, along with the rest of my classes before I get to march across the stage and receive my diploma!

But that all is beside the point right now. Last night my friend texted me asking if I wanted to go iceskating after our class tonight. There was a senior event where the first 150 seniors get to skate for free. I tried to get out of it, pointing out we would be late so we might not get in for free and that I wasnt a professional skater so I might not be the optimal choice. However my reasoning failed and his persistence prevailed. And tonight, as he walked into class, the first words out of his mouth were:

"Iceskating tonight!"

Its like those dreaded words. The sentence you know is going to be said but you dont want to hear it. Like, "its unrepairable." Or, from a different perspective, youre hoping whoever says the dreaded phrase will magically forget... even though you know they absolutely wont. So, yes. He remembered. And I was locked in. 

Mind you. I dont know how to ride a bike. I have never rollerbladed. Nor skated. I have gone iceskating once, but I dont remember how I did... Im assuming not well. And one of the people in my group fell and got her finger sliced open. That was my traumatizing experience of iceskating... I trip walking on an even path. I stumble over a rug daily. Coordination/balance are not my friends. I played a sport in the water for a reason. (Which became even more evident to me tonight.) 

But here we went. My opinion is that iceskating appears to be easy. When I watch other people skate so gracefully, I think shoot, I could do that. But luckily, I recognize it is not as easy as it looks. My friend said he wouldnt laugh at me, but I told him not to make that promise until were there. I also told him he had his work cut out with me if he really wanted me to go. Apparently, he was ready and willing to catch me if I fell and hold my hand to balance me. I could only pray hed follow through.

And so we arrive. Much to my disappointment, we got in for free, so we were strapped in to go. He showed me how to lace up my skates and gave me little pointers on what not to do as we headed to the ice... Consider this. If you havent been iceskating, this is how my friend comforted me as we walked into the place: "Its easy! Its like walking, but on knives." Um. How would walking on knives be easy??? In whos world does that make sense??

He stepped out onto the ice first and I followed. My first foot had barely landed on the ice and I immediately knew this was a terrible idea. I grabbed onto the side as my other foot joined my first foot. I knew my friend had skated before. He loves hockey. He loves skating. So, naturally, I expected him to do quite well. And he lived up to my expectations. I on the other hand, am not a natural. But I did live up to my expectations and probably far exceeded them in a failure type of way. I clung to the wall and inched my way along, also grabbing onto him. Not even halfway around, I fell. Watching his face as I went down was definitely one of the highlights of the night as I was holding on to him when it happened. Getting up though... well falling is the easy part. And it didnt even hurt. Standing back up takes some God-given talent. Talent that God felt I wouldnt need. I would agree with Him... except for this instance.

I finally made it around the rink once and decided it would be wise to take a break. My friend tried to encourage me to keep going. We agreed that if he would go do 3 laps on his own (without me holding him back) that I would do another one. So with a lot of persuading, he went out and did the smallest and fastest laps Ive ever seen, then came back to pick me up for the next set. So I set out again. This time I hung on to the wall more than him and made it without falling again. We started to go for a third, but then they turned around on us. That was even harder, trying to figure out how to go the other way. So I did about two and a half laps total. Then I called it cooked. 

My friend was so sweet as he really didnt want to leave me to skate. But I didnt want to skate and Im also one of those people where I know my limitations/strengths. And this was a huge limitation. Not something I could easily overcome. Definitely not in one night. But nonetheless, he let me hang onto him and each time he felt me lose my balance, he held on tighter. He encouraged me, telling me how great I was doing... as if I couldnt tell I was the only person on the wall... But I dont think I wouldve made it around once had it not been for him. I think he recognized what a struggle it was for me too, so I m sure he was trying to do everything possible to make it go more smoothly. 

In all, I walked out with a wet tush, a renewed appreciation for shoes and a sturdy ground, and a revelation about myself. Actually, a few of those. 

1. First things first. I cannot skate. The maneuvers are odd and not something my body is comfortable with. Iceskating, specifically, is one of those things where I dont know if Ill ever really get the hang of it... 

2. Id like to point out that Jesus walked on water. Ice is a form of water. There are certain things we arent supposed to do. Lets leave the walking on water - in all of its states - to Jesus.

3. I try to be a go-with-the-flow type of person. And I think generally, I do fairly well with making the best out of situations. But this was an eye opener. I am absolutely and completely 100% someone who has a comfort zone and doesnt deviate from it. I like to think there are certain things I would be willing to try... and Ill stick with that declaration. But then there are some things where I say "No way." And that is that. 

4. Im a little sad Im not more adventurous. I wish I was a little less fearful in that type of situation, but in the same instance, its not like Im going to be crossing frozen lakes on a daily basis in my life. So, Im ok with being defeated by the ice. But I pray that I have a more daring spirit with things Im not normally comfortable with.

5. You might have caught in 4 that I mentioned being fearful. That might have surprised you as that isnt a common word in my vocabulary. But I will be the first to admit. I was TERRIFIED! Dear goodness! I literally had memories of my life flash before my eyes. Im not someone who is scared often, but Im not afraid to proclaim that I was more than 'uneasy' with the experience.

6. I managed to laugh and smile. I managed to have a decent attitude. Sure I was pretty discouraged and not enjoying myself, but I feel like I couldve been a lot worse. I guess that could be a good thing. Even if Im absolutely terrible at something and no fun to the company Im with, I can at least provide laughter...

I think, in all, I realized I need to weigh out the pros and cons. The things that could go wrong or right. Ultimately, I couldve gotten hurt, sure. And knowing me - getting hurt would be breaking my femur or something ridiculous. But I think I wouldve been ok. And I say that now - safe and sound, sitting in my bed. In the moment - heeeeck no. Im gonna die. Thats the worst that could happen. At least thats what it feels like at the time. And its true. But thats when i decide if its worth the risk. Right now, I hold no regrets. Im alive, no scratches. Not even a dinged ego. I only feel bad I wasnt the amount of fun my friend wanted, but he said he had fun... 

I dont know if it was a positive experience or a negative one. It was a learning experience. And I think the main thing I realized is that Im not a fun, adventurous person. Sorry to my future husband, who Im sure will read all my blogs at some point in his life. (This is a good way to find out what hes getting into here...) 

If you are thinking of picking up iceskating soon, I hope you picked up some things. I hope you got a little incite. If theres one thing I can re-emphasize to you, it is: iceskating does not just happen like it does in the Mighty Ducks and in figureskating in the Olympics. Its hard. But from what Ive gathered from those around me, its worth it. I havent gotten to that point yet...