And I felt peace. And then there it was again... the nagging thing that has been bothering me for a while. Nagging things. Not really bothering me, but surrounding me and consuming me at times. And now, Im wide awake.
As Im nearing the end of my undergrad schooling, I am obviously forced to face all types of things. Some good. Some stressful. Some saddening. Some unexpected. Some scary. The list goes on and on. And I look back on my years here at Cal Baptist. These years have been not at all what I expected. But Im getting ahead of myself... All my thoughts are jumbling together. Organization is key.
These past 4 years have been hard. With struggle after struggle. I expected to make friends I would keep forever. And I have a handful of those, and for them I thank the Lord every day. I expected challenges, but more bright sides and lessons to learn from. But I have lost more relationships than I can count. I have opened myself to get hurt. I have trusted and been deceived. I have made myself available, but have been left feeling lonely.
I have played mom, nurse, friend, advisor, student, leader, sister, etc. etc. etc.. And I am so grateful for the opportunities to do so. I am truly humbled and blessed by every role I was placed to play. It equipped me for the future... which I have no idea what that may be.
I have allowed myself to believe the things people tell me without seeing the actions behind it. (This is the whole faith thing I talked about a few posts ago.) I am not someone who easily trusts, but I try to have faith. Faith that the Lord has a reason for the person, the situation, whatever it may be. And that encourages me to open my heart a little. And 9 times out of 10, I am reminded why I dont trust easily.
I try to be dependable, trustworthy, faithful, encouraging, available, welcoming to the people around me. Given, I probably dont succeed. But I try my very best to be there when I am most needed. And as much as I love to be the person people confide in, I hate to be the person seeking after someone to listen to me. Call it a flaw, but I dont seek people out when Im in need. Ive never been in need but I have needed someone to confide in.
I have never been in a place where I have felt more lonely. Given, it is not a consistent feeling... sometimes I feel very surrounded by love. But in the past 4 years, I have felt more alone than I have ever felt in my whole life. Maybe its my fault - for not seeking people out.
I think just about every one of my closest friends here is either in a relationship, engaged, or married. Ever been the single friend? Welcome to my life. I dont want pity. Its not something I lose sleep over... haha as Im sitting here, unable to sleep at 1230am, talking about everyone being in a relationship... But really, Im ok. What makes my position harder, though, is being at a school that gives out a MRS degree along with your actual degree. Im not knocking anyone. Im happy for everyone who found their soulmate in college - given, my sister is one of them - but its often times a difficult place to be in.
Ive never been tested or pushed harder in school, in relationships, in new experiences... Ive been spent to my max. Many times. Luckily, I dont think too many people have seen me get to that point. I have felt like an absolute failure, where whatever I try, I cant seem to do well enough. (This is usually when I hit my max.)
And then I think of once Im out of this place in the next few weeks... what am I going to do?? Where will I be? And more thoughts cross my mind... (Actually, these arent nearly as stressful to me right now as you would assume. Im so ready to be done and home that I welcome these stresses with a kiss on both cheeks.)
I have no motivation to do anything. Its taking everything I have just to do my homework right now. My inspiration is drained. My desires are lacking. Im in for quite a wake up call....
What is even realistic for me?? What is possible for me?? School is so hard. My dream is to be a veterinarian, but I feel I might kill myself in the process with all the hard work. And whos to say how long itll take me to even get into school. Can my dream become a reality? Or is it something that will always be a great idea, but just not a great idea for me?
What is in San Diego? What keeps me there? If my precious sister and brother in law move away, part of the reason why I love San Diego will disappear. Part of my heart will be gone. So is Oregon a place Im ready to consider? Jordanna and John are at such peace about that decision and I am so so grateful for that. I wish I had a little clarity in that area.
And then I think of all the blessings that surround me. Because I truly am blessed. And I dont want to get into a mind set of self pity or feeling sorry for myself. I am surrounded by so much I dont deserve. But reality caves in on me every time. And the reality is that Im graduating. Another friend told me shes engaged tonight. Reality just keeps coming. Keeps attacking.
What I realize most in this moment, is that in the past 4 years, at no point have I had anything figured out. At no point have I been in control. At no point have my plans worked out just as I wanted them to. Lesson? Uhh ya think?? Clearly I am not in control. And I can say this til Im blue in the face, and still try to hold a finger on everything in my life. In it all, God has taken care of me. I still dont understand why things have happened. Why certain storms have come my way. But Im still standing. I may be wavering... but Im standing, by the grace of God. And I guess that shall be what I cling to. What I depend on. That no matter what, the Lord will provide for me and protect me.
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