Decisions, Decisions

If you are just beginning to follow me on my adventure through life, I would advise you go back a few blogs to learn about my control issues before reading this update. It would give you some understanding as to why this time is so difficult for me. Well today I felt I made a decision. It wasnt a decision that was made out of irrational behavior nor discontent with my surroundings. It was a decision that has been sitting on my brain for a while now. I shoved it to the end of my thoughts, prioritizing with what was most important and needed to be dealt with immediately. School definitely takes the front seat in the priority bus... actually... it drives the bus. Thats right. Thats how controlled and driven I am by school.
Well. My decision hit me while I was sitting in my 8 am Exercise Phys class, running on less that 4 hours of sleep. (Though sleep did not play a roll in my decision, I felt it necessary to place your feet completely in my shoes.) As I sat in class, I was handed 3 labs to complete in the next 2 weeks, containing such activities as running a mile as fast as I can. I dont think the question is how fast can I run the mile - rather than can I run the mile without stopping. Not only did this shut me off to Kinesiology, but it scared the living daylights out of me. It isnt a "I think I can" deal, its a literally not possible-not gonna happen deal for me. Anyways. We also had to walk a full mile. Im sure it isnt as difficult for my spunky, 20-something professor who is so sweet, but is running on a lot of endorphins from exercise (if you dont know what I mean, Legally Blonde states it perfectly = "Exercise produces endorphins. Endorphins make you happy!"). I sat through class wanting so bad to walk up to her, give her my lab, and walk out to never return. I had made my decision that I was switching majors.
Thats right. Shocked? The fact that I actually contemplated it shocked me too. I walked back to my apartment, prepared to look in another direction. I took a shower, got ready for my day, and searched around in the University Catalog for options best fitting to the grad school idea - which would lead me to my dream job. I talked to one of my Biology professors, my favorite professor at CBU. He was encouraging, realistic, yet very helpful. I appreciated him taking 40 minutes to discuss my options and my interests and what could work or how to get there. I talked with my roommate, my best friend, about it over lunch. While I was telling her my fears and confusion - afraid to close doors that would be difficult to reopen, confused as to what I should do and what Im actually called to do in life, she tried to comfort me. She pointed out I may be looking in the wrong place, in the wrong direction. Maybe I have a huge house to fit my thousands of dogs. But thats all Ive ever thought about - all Ive ever dreamed about. If I dont have that to rely on, what do I have? My dreams for my career have been a constant for years. They have been something I can depend on. Even though I dont know who Im going to marry, when Im going to get married, where Ill go to school, how many times Ill have to apply to school, etc. etc. - I always knew I would be a vet. That was the most comforting thing. I knew something about my life. And it blew up in my face.
As I sat and listened to her, a verse popped in my head. Particularly because its hanging on my wall and it so applicable to what I should do every day in my life.

"In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths." Proverbs 3:6

I smiled to myself, and felt a little comforted. I was still absolutely freaking out, but it told me, if I give everything I have to the Lord, and pursue after Him like no other, He will show me what He wants for me. He will always care for me, but He will show me in due time... as long as I look to Him for direction.

I finally talked to my mom later in the evening. I expected her to be 100% on board, as she typically is (especially when it comes to this school stuff). Which dont get me wrong, she was incredibly supportive and encouraging. But she wanted me to be sure of what I was deciding on. She told me if switching was what I really wanted to do, I should do it... but theres no reason to do it now. She finally persuaded me that it was ok to be unsure at times. And shes right. I do have time. I dont have a lot of time, but it isnt a decision that needs to be made by tomorrow. Whew! Can you breathe a sigh of relief too? Im sure your heart is pounding just as rapidly as mine.
So, false alarm. Im still a Kines major. Theres a lot of thought and a lot of research to do. I dont know if Ill be a Kines major by the end of the summer, but for now it is what it is and I need to focus on it. I guess this blog didnt really have a point. It was an update. But also advice. To not only you, but a reminder for me as well. Choices are made daily. We make a choice to eat a cookie (Ive had several in the past few hours). We make a decision to avoid homework and watch a movie (dont worry, thats not a reality for me). Choices choices. All around us. Some are larger than others. But in the end, its going to work out. Im definitely saying this to remind myself, at this point. But even if an original plan doesnt work out, its back to the drawing board. Im sure my planner has more than one plan for me... After all: God loves me. And my mom has a wonderful plan for my life. And Im expecting she has many to choose from if one doesnt pan out as hoped. =)