Standing Still

That time is coming again... the dreaded time of packing up the things I cant live without, loading our cars to a should-be-illegal-limit, trekking (in cars, of course) up I-15, moving all my necessities into my new temporary living arrangement, and finally going to my classes. Yes. It is almost time for school - again. For the 16th time in my life, I will have a first day of school.

Every year I start school - I dread it. Im sure youre thinking ya Carly, everyone dreads it. But I dont think you know the extent that I truly hate school. I wont go into it. But I will say that this year, I am even more dreading it than usual. Im sure its contributing factors, not solely a class thing. Nevertheless, the day that I move back to school is in no way going to be an easy one.

Everyone around me is moving forward in their lives. Getting jobs. Meeting their "other half." Searching for their own places. Moving out of their parents house. Creating lasting careers. Getting married. Building their own lives. Being completely and entirely dependent on themselves. And its what they are striving for. So each of my friends who is seeking after their desires - I am genuinely happy for them. Im happy if they are happy. And most of them are very happy with where things are going and excited to see how things turn out. People are constantly moving around me; constantly changing and chasing after what they want. It really is a thrilling experience. However, in the midst of all this, I feel as if I am standing still, watching the movements around me, but not stepping anywhere.

The only thing I have in that list is a job. And its not a job I want to have forever. But I dont live on my own. Im not searching for an apartment to move into once I graduate. Im not planning on getting married any time soon. I dont have any intention to move out of my parents house until I feel comfortable enough to be on my own. Of course, it isnt like I would be dependent on them as my life source: I would get a job, try to create a career, save money to potentially move out and yada yada. But it isnt in my realm of sight right at this moment. I just want to finish this ridiculous thing called school... And I really dont totally know how this year is going to pan out... I have about 100 things I need to do and not nearly enough time or space for it all. But keeping the thinking to when Im done - Im not excited to figure out what to do or where to go.

Dont get me wrong. Standing still while everyone is hustling and bustling around me seems depressing, but I really am ok. I am satisfied with where Im at. I love knowing I always have a home to come back to and parents who will always love and encourage me - in whatever I want to do. I dont know when Ill get married, and of course I feel as if it would be easier to have a partner to figure out what to do, but for now Im trusting in the Lord with whatever comes with that. What else can I do?

The only thing that makes me nervous is my career. I just want to be in it already. I want to be doing something that I love and something that I can best utilize the abilities I have been given. I am at a point where I really dont know what I should do and where I should go. That is an absolutely terrifying place to me. It isnt a place Im in frequently and when Im in it, its frightening. Not only that, but I dont have a desire to chase after anything anymore. I feel like Ive been chasing after a specific career for so long, that Im just pooped out. I want it. I just have no desire left in me to chase after it. To do what I need to to get there. I just want to be there. I just dont have that push Ive always had. It sounds ridiculous. It sounds confusing. Its kinda how I feel about it all right now.

Despite all this confusion and... everything I really am okay. I know I said that already. But its true. Im trying to become the person Im called to be. Im trying to find positives within the negatives. Im trying to surrender my worries, fears, stresses, frustrations, desires/non-desires(??) to the Lord because all I can do with them is worry and stress. Not that this is the most simple thing to do - after all I do have control issues - but the fact that I am satisfied with where I am and Im not scratching at the walls to get out (this may change when I move back to school) tells me I am experiencing some type of peace. Though I havent put my finger on what it is regarding - the future, the past - or what, I believe it is from the Lord. Because he loves me and cares about me and has a plan for my life. So, though Im concerned about what Im going to do and where Im going to go and Im incredibly apprehensive about moving back to school, Im okay.

Im dealing. Im trusting.

"Commit to the Lord whatever you do and your plans will succeed." - Proverbs 16:3

"In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps." - Proverbs 16:9

Retraction

I feel as if I must write a retraction for my last post (dated yesterday night). Upon a second glance over, I realized a reader could easily take it as if my mother is a terrible parent. But really it is quite the contrary. Scroll down to Fifty is Freedom and youll see all the amazing things about my mom and see why I love her and we get along so well.

We find those stories hilarious. It may come off that I was neglected in my sufferings, but really, it was quite the opposite. When we reflect on these stories, we laugh hysterically. We can share our vantage points with each other and others and it tends to make the story that much more pleasurable.

Really, my mom is a fantastic mom. Shes done nothing but love me and support me my whole life....

And laugh at me when I fall.

Mehehehe!!! ;)

The Girl who NEVER cried "Wolf!!!"

If you dont know me very well, then why the heck are you reading my blog?? How did you get here?? Possibly a link from my sisters blog. But no really, if you dont know me very well, let me give you a little incite. I am a joker. I am constantly horsing around, teasing, cracking jokes... of course I never do it with the intention to hurt someone - or myself. Its all in lighthearted fun. More than anything, I crack jokes and tend to be mildly witty in comebacks. So its more that I am a verbal jokester.

I dont usually pretend to fall - all the way to the ground - then pretend to be hurt. Depending on the situation, I dont think thats funny. Basically, I dont joke about injury (unless its a 3 second deal or something minor).

However, in all the years I have been this way - almost 21, to be exact - my mother tends to think my joking personality stretches further than it does. We have several stories that involve me falling, causing injury to myself, sometimes crying, and my mom not believing me in the process. Slightly confused? Ill make it simpler. I fall. She thinks Im kidding. Shell say it makes her sound terrible, but in her defense, I was like a little boy in my childhood... kinda wreckless. And I can see why she would assume Im faking, but after so many falling stories, you would think shed catch on that I really did fall or whatever the case may be...

Last night we were reminded of all the stories we have that we can now laugh about, but may not have been so funny at the time. As we shared our stories with my grandma and aunts, we found ourselves with tears streaming down our faces, squeezing our legs together, folding over, holding our stomachs, slapping our knees.... ya, we have some pretttttty hilarious stories to share! Yet in the same instance, our audience was definitely entertained by us, but I feel they lacked the understanding and appreciation we had. Not that they werent great - they laughed along, but I think they more thought we were insane than simply hilarious. Or maybe they were giving my mom those looks.... after all, Im the innocent victim in all these stories.

So for lack of an eruption of laughter from our audience, I wont make you sit through all of the stories we have. Ill choose one of the funnier ones that you can read and picture and laugh at. Hopefully I do it justice in writing....

So about 2 years ago, my family flew up north for my cousins wedding. We all flew separately since I was coming from school and my parents wanted to go early, so my sister and I arrived the same day, similar times and were picked up by my parents. We spent the day together, then prepped for the wedding that night. My mom and I had gone shopping a few weeks earlier and unexpectedly stumbled upon from adorable dresses. I searched and searched for a specific color shoes - which ended up being pumps - and Mom made me a matching sash. So we made our way to the wedding, which happened to be in a grassy park... Mental note. If I ever go to something and I know it is going to be in the grass, do NOT wear heels. Im not an experienced heel walker and had to walk on my tiptoes to avoid having my heels sink into the grass. Boy were my legs tired.

We then made our way to the reception in downtown Sac town following the ceremony. Luckily, I was able to take my shoes off during a majority of the reception. After the reception, around 1030 at night, we headed back to our car. We began walking down the street of downtown Sac town, my mom and sister several steps ahead of me, my stepdad one or two steps in front of me, and me bring up the rear. My legs were shaking from exhaustion, my feet were sore from the unfamiliar height, but I told myself just a few more blocks. But they decided to take a break all on their own.

I stepped off a curb into the alley and instantly felt myself beginning to collapse. My legs folded underneath me and I found myself sitting on the ground. Steve was immediately to my side, as my mom and sister took a second to turn around and acknowledge my odd position of sitting on the sidewalk. My mom stared down at me for a second before she said, "Are you kidding me??" I looked up at her, helpless, as in gosh Mom, you got me!

Before I could respond though, Steve chimed in, "Uh honey, Im pretty sure she just fell..." And I was back on my feet due to the swift and quick movement of Steve. I kinda dusted myself off, all the while my mom is still standing a few feet ahead of me, trying to figure out if I was for real or not.

"Mom, I wouldnt have taken a joke all the way to the ground at 1030 at night in downtown Sacramento..." Suddenly she seemed to believe I wasnt full of it and asked if I was ok. We managed to make our way back to the car, all the while, Steve clung to me and I to him to avoid another walking mishap.

And there is one - just one - of our stories we share. Hopefully you got a good belly laugh out of it.... We definitely werent laughing at 1030 at night. I dont think we really laughed about it that night. And the next day I realized I really did hurt myself, so it was still a bit of a sore topic. But it didnt take long for us to recall the incident and laugh hysterically all the way through... As many of our stories go...

No Longer a Kid....

In case you arent completely familiar with my family - especially my sister - yesterday, August 8th, was my beautiful sisters birthday!!

This year has been a landmarker for all of us... My mom and Steve both turned 50! Im turning 21 next month! And Jordanna is now 25! Unfortunately, we grow older rather than younger... But it is exciting that we all have big birthdays in the same year! AND Jordanna is officially HALF of Moms age! Thats cool in its own way.

Well, just last month, I dedicated a blog to my mom in honor of reaching her 5th decade. I decided it would be best to dedicate another to my sister in honor of reaching a quarter of a century. And similar to my moms, I figured naming 25 things I love about my sister would work for this blog as well... Hopefully it works for Jordanna as well as it worked for Mom. ;)

1. She is absolutely one of a kind. There is none even remotely close to my sister... for so many reasons.

2. She has the kindest heart - warm and welcoming to friends and strangers alike. It doesnt matter if youve lived most of your life with her or if you just met her, she will make you feel special and important.

3. She is always there. She truly has a servants heart - never able to say no, even at the expense of her own sanity/sleep. She will be there for someone if they need her, whether it be to take some pictures, run some errands, set up/clean up from a party, the list goes on. She will be there.

4. Not only does she have a servants heart, always willing to serve and help, but she never ever complains. She performs the deed with a smile from ear to ear and the best attitude. This is probably one of the reasons shes a go-to person...

5. She always looks at things on the positive side. It could be the hottest day in history, walk out to find your tires have melted, slam your fingers in the door, trip over a stray cat kind of day, and yet she will still find something good that happened.... something my mom and I are a little envious of.

6. She is a breath of fresh air. There is a uniqueness, a rarity, a specialness about my sister. It is something that cannot be explained until you meet her.

7. She is incredibly creative and has the patience to wait for the perfection of her vision to be made.

8. She sticks to what she knows and likes. She may have 10 colors of the same shirt, but its what she likes and what she feels comfortable in. That is what is important.

9. She has her own sense of humor, but always makes me laugh. I always love spending time with my sister because I just never know what is going to happen.

10. She appreciates me and my humor. She might not always get me, but she appreciates me. I can tease her, but she knows I do it out of love. She is such a good sport in those instances... even when other family teases her, she still chooses to laugh along.

11. She will go to Padre games with me and be my buddy... eat anything we want, cheer and hollar with the friar on the "get louder" board, and share stories between exciting hits or outs.

12. She treats me better than husbands treat their wives. And she recognizes when I need a little girl time or pampering, and treats me so well... better than I could ever deserve.

13. She loves her dogs, bird, and husband unconditionally. She has so much adoration for all of them and will do anything for them and with them.

14. She has an appreciation for life, people, moments, experiences that nobody really understands. She never takes things for granted and remembers to be grateful for the things she has.

15. She gets excited about the small things in life, like a new light on her balcony or new blinds. And not only does she point them out to you when you visit, but she will blog about them. You may be thinking a light?? Blinds?? Only Jordanna can make you fully appreciate them and only she can word it in a way that gets you excited about it too!

16. She loves the little boy she takes care of. She is a pediatric home health nurse and talks about her patient as if he is her own son. I cant wait to see her with her own kids.

17. She is very intelligent. She knows a lot of medical terminology and medications and diseases and on and on. She only continues to learn as she goes to work each day. But shes like a sponge in the way she soaks it all in and can regurgitate it at any given time.

18. She loves ice cream. I dont think Ive met anyone who loves ice cream quite as much as my sister. But in grateful for that... she introduces me to new flavors almost everytime I visit.

19. She cherishes her friendships and only says wonderful things about the people she has created relationships with. Jordanna is the friend everyone wants - shes dependable, positive, accepting, loving, and so much more.

20. She loves the Lord with all her heart. She has a passion to pursue Him and seeks after Him each day of her life.

21. She is an encourager. She is a permanent cheerleader without the uniform at all times, no matter where she is and what shes going through. She can be completely down on her luck, unsuccessfully searching for a job, whatever the case may be, but she will be genuinely happy for anothers success and happiness.

22. She is the most supportive wife Ive ever encountered. I pray my husband (of whenever that happens) doesnt pick up on how encouraging and supportive, full of love and commitment my sister is towards her husband.... I dont think I could ever quite live up to that...

23. She is young, yet feels a call to walk the 3 day breast cancer walk alongside my mom. I cant say Im that motivated nor that strong.

24. She doesnt give up. She wants a job in the hospital and I believe wholeheartedly that she will get one. She is persistent in what she wants and has a drive to achieve it... going where she feels led to be.

25. She has the biggest heart of anyone I know. There are many things to characterize her heart as, but in general, she has a big, entirely selfless and genuine heart.

If I could choose any sister in the world to call my own, I would still pick my sister. For everything she is, all of her qualities and characteristics, her heart, her passions.... I love her with all my heart. I have no idea what I would do without her. Life would be so dull without her... and just not complete... not AWESOME. ;)

Happy 25th Birthday Sister!! I hope it was all you wanted and more! You deserve it!!