Every year I start school - I dread it. Im sure youre thinking ya Carly, everyone dreads it. But I dont think you know the extent that I truly hate school. I wont go into it. But I will say that this year, I am even more dreading it than usual. Im sure its contributing factors, not solely a class thing. Nevertheless, the day that I move back to school is in no way going to be an easy one.
Everyone around me is moving forward in their lives. Getting jobs. Meeting their "other half." Searching for their own places. Moving out of their parents house. Creating lasting careers. Getting married. Building their own lives. Being completely and entirely dependent on themselves. And its what they are striving for. So each of my friends who is seeking after their desires - I am genuinely happy for them. Im happy if they are happy. And most of them are very happy with where things are going and excited to see how things turn out. People are constantly moving around me; constantly changing and chasing after what they want. It really is a thrilling experience. However, in the midst of all this, I feel as if I am standing still, watching the movements around me, but not stepping anywhere.
The only thing I have in that list is a job. And its not a job I want to have forever. But I dont live on my own. Im not searching for an apartment to move into once I graduate. Im not planning on getting married any time soon. I dont have any intention to move out of my parents house until I feel comfortable enough to be on my own. Of course, it isnt like I would be dependent on them as my life source: I would get a job, try to create a career, save money to potentially move out and yada yada. But it isnt in my realm of sight right at this moment. I just want to finish this ridiculous thing called school... And I really dont totally know how this year is going to pan out... I have about 100 things I need to do and not nearly enough time or space for it all. But keeping the thinking to when Im done - Im not excited to figure out what to do or where to go.
Dont get me wrong. Standing still while everyone is hustling and bustling around me seems depressing, but I really am ok. I am satisfied with where Im at. I love knowing I always have a home to come back to and parents who will always love and encourage me - in whatever I want to do. I dont know when Ill get married, and of course I feel as if it would be easier to have a partner to figure out what to do, but for now Im trusting in the Lord with whatever comes with that. What else can I do?
The only thing that makes me nervous is my career. I just want to be in it already. I want to be doing something that I love and something that I can best utilize the abilities I have been given. I am at a point where I really dont know what I should do and where I should go. That is an absolutely terrifying place to me. It isnt a place Im in frequently and when Im in it, its frightening. Not only that, but I dont have a desire to chase after anything anymore. I feel like Ive been chasing after a specific career for so long, that Im just pooped out. I want it. I just have no desire left in me to chase after it. To do what I need to to get there. I just want to be there. I just dont have that push Ive always had. It sounds ridiculous. It sounds confusing. Its kinda how I feel about it all right now.
Despite all this confusion and... everything I really am okay. I know I said that already. But its true. Im trying to become the person Im called to be. Im trying to find positives within the negatives. Im trying to surrender my worries, fears, stresses, frustrations, desires/non-desires(??) to the Lord because all I can do with them is worry and stress. Not that this is the most simple thing to do - after all I do have control issues - but the fact that I am satisfied with where I am and Im not scratching at the walls to get out (this may change when I move back to school) tells me I am experiencing some type of peace. Though I havent put my finger on what it is regarding - the future, the past - or what, I believe it is from the Lord. Because he loves me and cares about me and has a plan for my life. So, though Im concerned about what Im going to do and where Im going to go and Im incredibly apprehensive about moving back to school, Im okay.
Im dealing. Im trusting.
"Commit to the Lord whatever you do and your plans will succeed." - Proverbs 16:3
"In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps." - Proverbs 16:9
I love you. Praying that this year would be your best yet and God would show Himself to you in real and new ways.
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