New Year Understandings

Today is a day that begins a new year. Yes. It is 2010. It is exciting, it is a "fresh start," it is a chance to kiss that special someone when the clock strikes midnight. Yay! Or is it really a yay? The past several months have been very difficult for me. I have faced hardships all my life. The past few months have been no different. I have had difficult classes. Faced conflicts with friends. Been the mediator, encourager, protector, and so much more. At least, I have tried to succeed at being those things. Im grateful I am looked at as a person who can fix things and will comfort people. But in all honesty, it has been hard. Im not about to lie. So yay. Its a new year. Its a fresh start. A new beginning. But wait. Does that mean everything is forgotten? Does that mean people change? Situations change? Are we given a blank slate and a coupon book of second chances?

So many people set "New Years Resolutions." How long do they last? I feel the longest is to the end of January. Honestly, more power to you. You want to change something you find to be a problem - you do it. Key words: DO IT. Ill be honest, Ive set a goal for a year. But Ill also be the first to admit I forgot about it on January 2nd. I know I am not perfect, Im not judging others, placing myself above them. But my frustrations lie with the change that people desire to see, but refuse to do the work to get it. False acclamations. Another reason I dont really like new years is because of the pressure it places on people. "Kiss your sweetheart!" Well, what percentage of the population is single? What does that push them to do? Kiss a stranger! Or, it leaves them with a pint of ice cream, sitting in front of Ryan Seacrest hosting the Dick Clark New Years Celebration, all alone, wishing they had someone to celebrate with. Do you see my point? It reinforces what you dont have. My joke is always that Im going to find someone to kiss on New Years. Guess what? I have yet to cave into that pressure. Even though my best friend told me to pucker up last night at the stroke of midnight. (She was kidding, by the way.) My last intense frustration with this so-called holiday is that is gives people a chance to be dangerous and irresponsible. Drinking is thee way to celebrate new years. How many drunk driving accidents occur that night? Not the greatest beginning to a new year, huh?

Even though I just probably made you think this was going to be a big dud of a note, there is hope. The light at the end of the tunnel is rapidly approaching. Do not fret.

My hard work in my difficult classes has paid off. I got through the semester with ALL As! I have never done that, but have always worked for it. I am simply ecstatic. I made new friends who have provided the type of friendship I need. Lots of fun/funny moments. Opportunities to connect on levels I thought I was alone on. The list goes on and on. The hardships have brought good things along. God will never give you more than you can handle right? "I can do all things through Christ, Who strengthens me." And believe me, the hardships will continue. I can already see it with the courses Im signed up for. Lately I have been feeling like things will never lighten up, though. I have been frustrated with Gods timing, maybe because I feel like it is frozen. I want to take the reigns on my life.

Last night, I did celebrate the new year. Yes, I did. But I went to church and participated in a gospel celebration with 6 or 7 different churches. Apparently black churches hold this celebration each year, starting around 1230 or 1, to bring in the new year. This year, my church hosted it. I was so excited, but I truly had no idea what I was in for.

I felt as if I celebrated the best way imagined. I was moved. I was excited. I was revived. I had an epiphany that my frustration with things in my life not moving forward has been causing things to stop. I have frustrations. I have irritations. They have not disappeared. But I realize that ultimately, I have been frustrated with my Father because He is not allowing things to occur that I want. I found peace last night. Honesty, black people are some of the most incredible and devoted people I have ever met. They are thriving off of their desire to serve the Lord. I want so bad to be like that. I want my only desire to be to serve the Lord. I feel like I have been developing massive amounts of patience through various experiences in college. But this was a whole new level of acceptance and patience. Acceptance that I do not know what is best for me at all times. Acceptance that I do not control my life. Patience on God. Patience that His time is perfect and He will allow things to happen when He has prepared me for them and the time is right. As all these people were rejoicing, throwing their hands up in the air, dancing in the aisles, calling out to Jesus, I was pulled in. I was moved. I was spoken to. It was so fun, and so so incredible.

I know this was a very personal note, (shocking, I know) I didnt even mean to write it this way. And I know its long - sorry about that. But it all came out. I know that these realizations are not going to change difficult obstacles that come my way. But hopefully they will change how I respond to them so that I wont, like, lose it or something. I need strength. I need patience. This semester is going to be difficult. Very difficult. But hopefully I will remain strong in the Lord. I want to dedicate my life to loving and serving the Lord. So maybe the new year isnt bringing goals and blank slates, but new understandings and fresh perspectives.

Im still going to be honest (what has ever stopped me?) Im definitely not excited for this semester. Im not excited to go back to school. Im not excited to continue dealing with the conflicts that have only been put on hold over the break. Im not excited to have things shoved in my face that will remind me of what I dont have and make me try to hurry Gods timing along. But I need to trust that He is right and knows what Hes doing. Because He is and He does. So Im excited to see what He is going to have me do. I am excited to see the lessons and blessings He is going to give me. Im excited... for being Gods child, loving Him with all my heart, and waiting patiently on what He is going to do next in my life.

Nearing the End... of Another Year

Well seeing as I have no blogged in close to 2 months, I figure my lovely sister is waiting for something to read... Im not figuring, Im being told. Finals are nearing. Some have come and gone. I have four to study for next week. Pretty much back to back. Oh, how I hate school. BUT. Finals mean another semester down. School ending for a bit - even if its short, it is time to be away from school.
I hate finals time. Its crunch time. But one thing I love about it is that we are all in the same boat. We are all stressed. We are all getting frustrated. We are all sleep deprived. We are all SICK of school. Were all in this together. Its awesome. I am included in this bunch. I have been apologizing to people in advanced, because I know I am not a pleasurable person to be around this time of year. In the end though, we all get it and we all roll with the punches we throw at each other.
I have been having to remind myself every day, that I will be home in a week from tomorrow. I will see my mom, my sister, my family, my animals, my friends, my lovely warm home. I will get to relax, not have to worry about school nor any of the stresses that are with it. I cant wait to go home. Besides the fact that it is break time - it is also CHRISTMAS time!!!! Meaning my house will be decorated with adorable Christmas things. The tree - my favorite aspect of Christmas decor - will be up and ready to house presents. So though this is not the funnest time of school, what comes after is important. It is the funnest part. I am continually thinking home, Christmas. Im so ready for it all.

Make a Wish

This blog has been a long time coming. Time and homework has not permitted me to write this. I must apologize to you, Jordanna, my one follower, for the blog delay.
Several weeks ago, my roommate/best friend took a trip home to San Diego with me. I was so excited. My family and my best friend. Life gets no better than that. The purpose was to go to a Padres/Giant game, Padres are obviously my team... Giants are shamefully hers. One thing you should know about Steve, he loves baseball, loves football, but were talking about baseball here. Upon discovering how MUCH of a fan Monica is, Steve wanted to do something special. He has a heart for achieving dreams, and even worked for Make a Wish Foundation at one point in his life. If you meet Steve, youll understand how perfect that job is for him. Well, Steve, through his desire to makes dreams come true and gracious connections was able to get us on the field to watch the Giants batting practice. Quite the experience. Im definitely in favor of going for Padres.... and one day.... Chargers! Anyways, it was great. We arrived and got the VIP service from the moment we stepped out of our car. We got a ride to the stadium on a golf cart, were met by an official Padres employee (official job title - not known) with our field passes, escorted in the VIP entrance, taken through the "Dugout", finally onto the field. Thank you Justin. Im not even a Giants fan and yet, I had a blast and was super excited. Monica got her hat and ticket signed by her favorite player, Lincicum. Who, honestly is pretty nice. I had to scream at him, jumping and flailing my arms to get his attention. However, wouldnt it be that our pen wouldnt work. So, he tried signing for quite a while, poor guy. He was definitely persistent. Finally, I said "We had this planned so we could spend more time with you." He looked up at me and laughed. I was excited. We had made a connection, even if I was wearing my Padres jersey. I mean, dont get me wrong, Monica and him totally hit it off pretty well too, dont get me wrong. It was awesome. Then, we had great seats and watched a great game with the PADRES winning.... thank you very much Padres. It was truly such a fun night. I loved it and had so much fun!
Then, last Friday, Monica, Sam, and I went out to dinner and a movie. Sam, actually was treating us to dinner due to us going to bed before midnight one night. What a friend, or rather, brother, he is. So, Monica and decided to make the night special and got all cutesy. When Monica opened the door to find Sam standing there in jeans, t-shirt, and hat, he turned around and changed. Somehow, I figured this would happen. But nonetheless. We headed to our Pei Wei dinner and then to our movie. Our Toy Story 1 and 2 in 3D movie. To be honest, we had so much fun. I caught things that were said that I had never thought twice about when I was younger. Funny how that happens. It reminded me most of when I saw Greece. That movie is great, but it has some very inappropriate parts. Anyways. I am so thankful for my friends.
The fact that they are 20 and Im 19 is my favorite part. Despite our age, we were all incredibly interested in seeing Toy Story. I love that. But also, and more importantly. They accept me. I am younger than them, yet they treat me like an equal. They value my opinion and my feelings. I have never been as open with friends as I am with Monica and Sam. I am so blessed by them. I never need to be something Im not - which, if you know me, is not something I really do. But they accept me the way I am and choose to love me no matter what I do or say. They value me. Ive been valued and loved, but truly, this is a whole new experience for me. It is so rewarding and exciting. I love both of them with all my heart. Monica is like my sister. And I am like her mother. Well really, were like family. Ive never had a friend like Mon. She is there for me in a way I have never had a friend support me. God knew exactly what He was doing when He placed her in my life. Every day I thank God for her. Sam too. Sam is truly a unique individual who has come into my life for a reason. He is an amazing guy who I feel privileged to call my friend. Both are incredible people. This year, God has shown me He is in control and will do for me what I need. My friends are the perfect examples of that.

Flying Control

It has been several days since I have written, but I have been wanting to write about a certain experience I had several weeks ago now. That experience was going to a wedding in Northern California. You may think I am going to write about the wedding itself, which I may mention, but this blog is about the journey of getting there.
I am not a fan of flying. I used to love it. I would silently squeal when I felt weightless for the three seconds right after take-off. But I no longer experience that terrifying moment as a thrill.
For my first flight, going up there, they delayed the boarding process for quite some time due to some type of a leak the pilot was concerned about. I would rather switch to a plane that is leakless rather than ride on a plane that may or may not be spilling fuel all the way to Sacramento area. I feel as if that would be considered murder-suicide by the pilot. But, all seemed well as we boarded the plane. Understand that one time, I boarded a plane that literally had duct tape on the inside of the plane. Terrified that that was what was holding the multi-ton object together, I threatened myself to get off. After several minutes of debating whether or not it would be worth it to deal with finding another flight, or risk my life with a plane held together by duct tape, I realized the duct tape was actually holding a tube, which ran from one of the overhead containers down to a woman with an oxygen mask. Crisis averted... This time. The stories I could share about my plane experiences are limitless. Including a rookie pilot, which I would bet my life on the fact we were probably his test group, as well as a sudden drop that made me truly concerned that I would soon be facing judgment day. Moving on.
The trip was wonderful. There, of course, were some funny and interesting moments that occurred. At one point I fell while walking down a street in Sac town at about 10 at night. Glorious. Or rather, graceful. Anyways. It was a short, yet sweet trip. Sunday we all headed home. Me on my plane, my family on theirs. However, they deboarded due to a crack in the engine. Huh. How ironic. Hopefully they checked my plane for cracks in the engine. Well, the flight wasnt too horrible. But flying is still not on my list of favorite things. Letting go of my control is not an easy thing for me. And to trust someone else to get me somewhere... Its nerve wracking. I might feel more comfortable flying the plane myself. And no, I have no flight experience, but that gives you an idea of me. The entire flight process is something I just cannot grasp. How much does this plane weigh, exactly? And were staying in the air...? Truly, I am in awe, yet feel some things are better left unanswered.
What I found interesting is a mere two days later, while sitting in my New Testament Survey class, my professor began talking about flying. He was just as stumped about the concept as I am. He said, "I just cannot understand how a thing that weighs several tons is able to stay in the air. Can someone truly explain it to me? Truly. Im very interested." And I sat laughing inside. Thinking, you and me both, man. You and me, both. Flying is a chance for people to let go of their control issues... I... am still working on that.

Beginning Fresh

What a beginning. I have moved in to our apartment here at the beautiful California Baptist University. It hasn't even been a full 24 hours, but I do feel blessed already. I have seen few familiar faces, but what a welcoming they have provided. From my roommate leaping off the couch and jumping in my arms to greet me to the load squeal from a visitor at the door, I cant help but feel I am supposed to be here. This is what God intended for me. Talking to these incredible friends, they have realized the same thing. What an incredible experience that God is revealing things to us at the same time, and its all similar. I have yet to meet my other apartment mate, but I am very excited. I feel this year will be a fresh beginning. Of course the struggles will occur, but they will occur anywhere I go, in anything I do. But this is what is happening in my life right now, I don't regret a moment of my decisions to get here. Obviously, I still miss home, miss the extreme familiarity of the surroundings (though its better this year than last), miss my family - my mom. And saying goodbye to my dog proved very difficult for me, as I teared up and kissed her, with a feeling I wouldn't see her again. Even now as I think about her, my eyes swell with sadness. I have to convince myself I will see her again. Gives me a reason to visit. But every foul must wander away from its stable to learn what types of grass and other fouls there are in the world. The past is behind me. Last year had its difficult sufferings, but they are in the past. I learned from them, I overcame them, only by the grace of God.
But as I sit on the couch, looking out the window to see a beautiful grassy field, sipping my coffee, and reading some of His Word, I realize how blessed I am. So many times I have asked why am I being put through this? Why do I deserve this. Struggles have been near and far, but they have been persistent. Now I realize, He is rewarding me with a new experience, a fresh start. And that is so incredible to know. Incredible to know He has always been with me, He has never left me. Only with Him am I standing in this spot right now, well sitting. But how amazing is that? I miss home, but I will visit often. And there is no way I am staying here the rest of my life.... Lord, don't pull a fast one on me and have me end up here. I will return to the wonderful San Diego as my final resting place (not burial, but living til I die - hopefully of old age). Anyways, this is now, this is MY now. And I am lovin every minute of it.

Tortured by the Bell

The time has come. It is time to return to school. Kids all over have been shopping for new clothes, putting together new school supplies, and mentally preparing themselves for yet another year of school. I am definitely included in this statistic. Though I have been trying to keep it a secret that I do not like school, I think it is finally time to release this secret to the world. I hate school. Literally, every aspect. And on that note, I am facing another year of school. Now, college is a whole different world from anything I've ever experienced in life. I have learned a lot about others around me and about myself as a person. I think it has been good for me, but I feel enough with the good... I'm done learning. I'm ready to be done. Or at least, I'm prepared to make the decision to work at Mikky Ds for the rest of my life, instead of working my tail off for the next infinity amount of years trying to make the grade. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for those serving me at Mc Donalds, as well as other food places, I'm most definitely not knocking them. Anyways, as I pack up my things to move back to Torture Land, it leaves me thinking about things.
I do not understand why people are so persistent on moving out of their parents' homes. It's understandable if it is a bad home, but when someone has loving parents who provide for them, I wonder why anyone would want to leave that. I realize I am so blessed by my parents. They have never forced me into anything I did not want to do. They never left me unprepared for anything I stood up against. They put a roof over my head, gave me many options of food to eat daily, and provided a stupendous amount of love and support. Why would anyone want to leave this? If I felt my school wasn't where I should be, I would leave it in a split second. I would love to live at home, work, go to school, all the while chasing my dreams of becoming a veterinarian. But that isn't right for me. It may be right for others, of which I am a little jealous of, but I am being led another way to achieve my dreams. A way in which I am excited for, but I feel I am ready to finish this adventure, rather than just beginning it.
I know this is what I should be doing though. I know this is right. But each day I contemplate quitting it all, finding a cave far far away, and settling down there. No expenses, no responsibilities, no cares. But, then I think, that is so not what I want. So I go back to my question: Why is it that so many people wish to leave home so quickly? Of this answer, I am convinced. They do not want to leave, they are happy being provided for. But, they must leave to pursue their dreams, which often require an education. Don't worry guys, your secrets safe with me... But don't be too secretive... After all, we're all in the same boat anyways.

Tea Time

Today was a special day for us girls in the family. Yes, there are a lot of girls in my various families, but these 3 girls are my favorite girls... no offense to any other girls from my family who read this. I truly love you all, but for everyone, I think you need to love your grandma, mom, and sister(s) and put them at the top of your favorite list. Well, a tradition we try to do is tea time. Mind you, it does not happen a lot. But when it does, it is very special. Tea time is not just tea. Tea time is an experience. Just like a little boy goes to a baseball game with his dad. Sits next to him wearing an oversized t-shirt, ball cap, and eating a hot dog, the experience is so much more than just the game itself. For tea time, its getting ready, spending time with your favorite people (typically girls, sorry guys, this is not so much up your alley), enjoying various types of tea, trying to be ladylike with the sizes of bites you take of the finger sandwiches, and talking in an English accent, which can often change into other accents for some people. So my sister, mom, and grandma embarked on our tea time at the glorious Aubrey Rose. For quite a while, we sat and talked, sipped tea, laughed, and ate our sandwiches.
Have you ever had tea? It's such a delightful experience. It leaves you full and satisfied, yet secretly craving more of the yumminess. Finger sandwiches. So inventive, yet not too practical. For tea, it is different. You drink loads of tea. Cheeky Peach, Apricot Special, Cinnamony Goodness, etc. (names of teas have been changed due to lack of memory). It fills you up! And then, of course, you need to get it all out... drinking a lot of liquids does that to you. So in reality, the finger sandwiches are more than satisfying, along with the slices of fruit and scone.
The tea experience is one of my absolute favorite things to do. It dominates my favorite tv show and shopping at a stores (weekly) "ANNUAL BLOWOUT" sale. I take tea as a "high society" experience. Not only is the food delicious, but the company is fantastic. Surrounded by the three most lovely ladies in my life, I always realize I love these times. Talking in our English accent, with Jordanna slightly branching off into a western accent on occasion. Its quite splendid, that is really the way to explain it.
Perhaps, my favorite part of the event was my grandma's explanation of her recent adventure. My grandma is like the woman version of the Crocodile Hunter, but not as much with crocodiles (they aren't very common near her house). She is fearless. A classy woman who is not afraid to get her hands dirty. I am sure I haven't heard nearly half of her stories. This story was about her encounter with a rattlesnake. Mind you... not her first. She has become quite the snake charmer... apparently. Now just lst night my mom was explaining that some things are better left unknown, including things that may occur in college or whatnot. That would make sense for young teens, but an elderly woman? You would think what would a grandma do that would scare you? I have to say, these rattlesnake stories with my 60 year old grandma are stories I would much rather not know, not because I'm not proud of my grandma, but because it rather frightens me to hear the things she does. I just pray we don't get a call saying she was bit one time. Nevertheless, can you say your grandma is a snake charmer? I didn't think so. My grandma is cool, I just hope there aren't any snakes that turn wise on her... though she's a smart lady.
These ladies are the most incredible ladies. Each has had different struggles, yet continues to wake up each morning and face the day. I am very blessed to call these ladies my family. Especially, my mom, my grandma, and my sister. I look up to them more than anyone in my life. And I am so thankful for them.