The Trouble with Fear

As you may - or may not - know, I graduated from college a little over a year ago now. Gee. A year. Where in the world did the time go?? What have I been doing since then? Well, let me tell you. Not much.

I've continued to work at the same place since graduating, the same place I worked at during college when I would come home on summer break and often times during Christmas. I enrolled in and completed Physics this Spring, so I am one step closer to graduate school. Pretty much any graduate school. I've spent every free moment at home, with my Ava and our new Brinkley. Literally. Every free moment. Partly because I don't really have any friends around here. Mostly because I love home and I love my dog(s) even more.

But you get to a point where you think, what am I doing?? I mean, I need to choose/find a career. I need to become a full-fledged adult. I have a dog to support. And hopefully I'll have more to support one day. I've decided to not go in the direction I've been striving towards for the past 4+ years. I think I've written about that. And I'm ok with that decision. The problem now is where do I go? What do I do?

So I embarked on a new career venture toward Physical Therapy. I've been told I would make an excellent Physical Therapist... apparently I have the right personality. [This isn't necessarily a compliment...] I visited a private campus, an extension from a graduate school in Florida. It is based in San Diego (which is much more viable for me). It only has 2 programs. Yes you read correctly - 2. Occupational therapy and physical therapy. It is kinda perfect for me. It's a shorter program, though more intense. It's small so I don't have to walk all over the place to get to class. The only thing I'm concerned about is the internships you do. Where you're sent wherever they want to send you. Finding housing for 2 or more months is completely your responsibility. And you don't know where you will be sent. But even as my head told me that just isn't happening, my heart was consoled when I found out students take their dogs with them. And even more consoled when the proposal of my grandma coming along with me - and her totally liking the idea. So I proceeded to process.

What's standing in my way? Observation hours. Once I track down 80 observation hours, I'm good to go. I can apply no problem.

And even with knowing how close I am, I continue to look into my options. The first time I don't just go for something at the drop of a hat. Usually, when I shop, I grab the first thing I see. No need to further exploration. That's a fairly good description of me. And usually, I'm content with my choice. Except for these situations. Regarding my life. I'm more meticulous and indecisive. So I have come up with becoming a real estate agent. I can watch hgtv all day. I love home shows. I came up with a handful of reasons why I would make a great real estate agent. My favorite reasons - its so quick to get licensed and you create your own schedule, so you can be extremely flexible. However, I'm terrible at marketing myself. Literally I loathe talking about myself and putting myself out there the way you have to in real estate. I've also come up with becoming a chef. (Something that has always been in the option list.) Because I can watch food network all day long. And I love being creative with food.

I mean, the list goes on and on. And why am I still sitting, job searching and processing? Because I'm afraid. Do you know what the biggest trouble with fear is? It's paralyzing. It'll stop you in your tracks, steal your voice and confidence, and ruin a plan.

So in this place of feeling stuck and needing to move forward, the most influential feeling is fear. And it is stopping me from doing anything. Pathetic isn't it? The Bible says not to fear enough times to be said every day for a year. I know the Lord is in control. I just want a door to be opened. I know I'm probably reading it wrong and really, multiple doors are open, I just need to decide which one to walk through. And no matter which door I choose, the Lord is with me.

I just need to get over this and move forward. I know you're probably shocked to hear I'm afraid. I am the one who fears nothing! (Besides creepy crawlies.) But big decisions scare me. Paralyze me. Stops me in my tracks. Steals my voice and confidence. And ruins my plan. And what am I even afraid of?? Oh plenty. Failure. Not remembering what I've learned. Not liking it. Being put on the spot. Name it, I'm probably afraid of it.

But somehow, I'll get past this. 

And move forward into life. 

My grandma is depending on me for an adventure! 

Ava is depending on me for a sweet life! 

I need to grow up! 

.......

Yikes.

Adventurous Fail

Tonight, I embarked on a daring adventure. It was one that has been a long time coming. Completely out of my comfort zone. Definitely something I would never attempt on my own. Something I am sure you will be shocked at. And, of course, in the midst of it all, I learned something about myself... as I usually do in such instances. But let me back up. Im getting ahead of myself and Im sure, close to losing my audience.

For about a year or more now, my friend has been trying to convince me and several of my other friends to go iceskating. Im sure youre already laughing. The story, my dear reader, has only just begun. Weve almost gone a few times, but it kept falling through. Well, this time he got me in the perfect spot where I had to say yes. And I had told him I would go with him at some point because he is so passionate about it and really wants people to experience it with him. So, tonight was the first night of our night class. Yes. This means I am halfway through my LAST semester as an undergraduate student!!! I have eight weeks of this night course, along with the rest of my classes before I get to march across the stage and receive my diploma!

But that all is beside the point right now. Last night my friend texted me asking if I wanted to go iceskating after our class tonight. There was a senior event where the first 150 seniors get to skate for free. I tried to get out of it, pointing out we would be late so we might not get in for free and that I wasnt a professional skater so I might not be the optimal choice. However my reasoning failed and his persistence prevailed. And tonight, as he walked into class, the first words out of his mouth were:

"Iceskating tonight!"

Its like those dreaded words. The sentence you know is going to be said but you dont want to hear it. Like, "its unrepairable." Or, from a different perspective, youre hoping whoever says the dreaded phrase will magically forget... even though you know they absolutely wont. So, yes. He remembered. And I was locked in. 

Mind you. I dont know how to ride a bike. I have never rollerbladed. Nor skated. I have gone iceskating once, but I dont remember how I did... Im assuming not well. And one of the people in my group fell and got her finger sliced open. That was my traumatizing experience of iceskating... I trip walking on an even path. I stumble over a rug daily. Coordination/balance are not my friends. I played a sport in the water for a reason. (Which became even more evident to me tonight.) 

But here we went. My opinion is that iceskating appears to be easy. When I watch other people skate so gracefully, I think shoot, I could do that. But luckily, I recognize it is not as easy as it looks. My friend said he wouldnt laugh at me, but I told him not to make that promise until were there. I also told him he had his work cut out with me if he really wanted me to go. Apparently, he was ready and willing to catch me if I fell and hold my hand to balance me. I could only pray hed follow through.

And so we arrive. Much to my disappointment, we got in for free, so we were strapped in to go. He showed me how to lace up my skates and gave me little pointers on what not to do as we headed to the ice... Consider this. If you havent been iceskating, this is how my friend comforted me as we walked into the place: "Its easy! Its like walking, but on knives." Um. How would walking on knives be easy??? In whos world does that make sense??

He stepped out onto the ice first and I followed. My first foot had barely landed on the ice and I immediately knew this was a terrible idea. I grabbed onto the side as my other foot joined my first foot. I knew my friend had skated before. He loves hockey. He loves skating. So, naturally, I expected him to do quite well. And he lived up to my expectations. I on the other hand, am not a natural. But I did live up to my expectations and probably far exceeded them in a failure type of way. I clung to the wall and inched my way along, also grabbing onto him. Not even halfway around, I fell. Watching his face as I went down was definitely one of the highlights of the night as I was holding on to him when it happened. Getting up though... well falling is the easy part. And it didnt even hurt. Standing back up takes some God-given talent. Talent that God felt I wouldnt need. I would agree with Him... except for this instance.

I finally made it around the rink once and decided it would be wise to take a break. My friend tried to encourage me to keep going. We agreed that if he would go do 3 laps on his own (without me holding him back) that I would do another one. So with a lot of persuading, he went out and did the smallest and fastest laps Ive ever seen, then came back to pick me up for the next set. So I set out again. This time I hung on to the wall more than him and made it without falling again. We started to go for a third, but then they turned around on us. That was even harder, trying to figure out how to go the other way. So I did about two and a half laps total. Then I called it cooked. 

My friend was so sweet as he really didnt want to leave me to skate. But I didnt want to skate and Im also one of those people where I know my limitations/strengths. And this was a huge limitation. Not something I could easily overcome. Definitely not in one night. But nonetheless, he let me hang onto him and each time he felt me lose my balance, he held on tighter. He encouraged me, telling me how great I was doing... as if I couldnt tell I was the only person on the wall... But I dont think I wouldve made it around once had it not been for him. I think he recognized what a struggle it was for me too, so I m sure he was trying to do everything possible to make it go more smoothly. 

In all, I walked out with a wet tush, a renewed appreciation for shoes and a sturdy ground, and a revelation about myself. Actually, a few of those. 

1. First things first. I cannot skate. The maneuvers are odd and not something my body is comfortable with. Iceskating, specifically, is one of those things where I dont know if Ill ever really get the hang of it... 

2. Id like to point out that Jesus walked on water. Ice is a form of water. There are certain things we arent supposed to do. Lets leave the walking on water - in all of its states - to Jesus.

3. I try to be a go-with-the-flow type of person. And I think generally, I do fairly well with making the best out of situations. But this was an eye opener. I am absolutely and completely 100% someone who has a comfort zone and doesnt deviate from it. I like to think there are certain things I would be willing to try... and Ill stick with that declaration. But then there are some things where I say "No way." And that is that. 

4. Im a little sad Im not more adventurous. I wish I was a little less fearful in that type of situation, but in the same instance, its not like Im going to be crossing frozen lakes on a daily basis in my life. So, Im ok with being defeated by the ice. But I pray that I have a more daring spirit with things Im not normally comfortable with.

5. You might have caught in 4 that I mentioned being fearful. That might have surprised you as that isnt a common word in my vocabulary. But I will be the first to admit. I was TERRIFIED! Dear goodness! I literally had memories of my life flash before my eyes. Im not someone who is scared often, but Im not afraid to proclaim that I was more than 'uneasy' with the experience.

6. I managed to laugh and smile. I managed to have a decent attitude. Sure I was pretty discouraged and not enjoying myself, but I feel like I couldve been a lot worse. I guess that could be a good thing. Even if Im absolutely terrible at something and no fun to the company Im with, I can at least provide laughter...

I think, in all, I realized I need to weigh out the pros and cons. The things that could go wrong or right. Ultimately, I couldve gotten hurt, sure. And knowing me - getting hurt would be breaking my femur or something ridiculous. But I think I wouldve been ok. And I say that now - safe and sound, sitting in my bed. In the moment - heeeeck no. Im gonna die. Thats the worst that could happen. At least thats what it feels like at the time. And its true. But thats when i decide if its worth the risk. Right now, I hold no regrets. Im alive, no scratches. Not even a dinged ego. I only feel bad I wasnt the amount of fun my friend wanted, but he said he had fun... 

I dont know if it was a positive experience or a negative one. It was a learning experience. And I think the main thing I realized is that Im not a fun, adventurous person. Sorry to my future husband, who Im sure will read all my blogs at some point in his life. (This is a good way to find out what hes getting into here...) 

If you are thinking of picking up iceskating soon, I hope you picked up some things. I hope you got a little incite. If theres one thing I can re-emphasize to you, it is: iceskating does not just happen like it does in the Mighty Ducks and in figureskating in the Olympics. Its hard. But from what Ive gathered from those around me, its worth it. I havent gotten to that point yet...

Cancelled Class and a Sweatshirt

Two blogs in a week! How lucky are you?!

Well its only Wednesday, and yet I feel as if it should be Friday. The last weeks of school always seem to be the longest. I feel as if this semester has flown by, which is never a bad thing. But now time has to make up for itself, so everything has to slow down. The past 3 days have been bru-tal-ly long. Ridiculous is really what it is. And on top of that - school is coming to an end, so my brain is on summer mode. My mind is thinking about the things I need to do over summer and things I need to do to prepare for the summer. What needs to be completed now is just painful to do. I am having the most difficult time making it a priority. And in the midst of that is just dealing with daily life... which is never a dance in a prairie field for me. Ill spare you all those details, though.

Like I said, its only Wednesday - luckily Wednesday is almost over. Monday is my longest day and it proved to hold up its promise. Tuesday was just as long, filled with errands and homework in the middle of classes. Tuesday I woke up in a funk. I had to finish a paper that was due that day and had been really struggling with where I was going with it. Ya, Im a Kines major, I dont write papers. I finished it, but it was pretty tough. Took a shower and began to get ready for my day. It was one of those days where you just dont feel like getting ready and everything. You just want to crawl back in bed and not face the world. One of those you dont feel like anything looks right and nothing is making you feel better, so you would just rather not. And, of course, the sun was shining brightly and the air was warm, ruining my longing for a sweatshirt. I finally decided on clothes, ignored the possibility of makeup and making my hair controlled, and was ready to head out the door with my roommate around 10:45.

The whole walk to class, I complained about having to go and how I would have missed class today if it werent for my roommate. She didnt make me go, but I enjoy having the class with her, so I would rather go and have fun. I just was not feelin class. I wasnt feelin my outfit. I wasnt feelin the day, at all. We arrived at the room and found our seats. Strangely enough, our professor was nowhere to be found - which is abnormal. I ran out to talk to another professor, whos office is in the building. My conversation with him was to be about various opportunities for veterinary hours. I was trying to schedule a visit to a ranch of a woman who works at the school and has a lot of other veterinary connections she wants to share with us. Halfway through talking to him, I felt the need to check on my class. I opened the door to an empty classroom and my roommate waiting for me, notifying me class had been cancelled. Apparently, all of us smart collegiates had missed the sign on the door saying class was cancelled. Praise. The. Lord. I finished my conversation with my professor, then headed back to the apartment.

As I walked, I started laughing. I had been complaining, wanting class to be cancelled.... and long behold, God answered my prayers. I got back to my apartment. Since we had time, Cayla and I went out on the front lawn to soak in some Vitamin D. Then we ate. Then I went to class. Then I met with another friend to talk to the woman about a ranch visit. This conversation went AWESOME. Literally better than I could have ever wanted. We now have a plan to go to her ranch next Friday for a BBQ... and theres a possibility well go horseback riding!!!!!! Which is something Ive wanted to do for yeaaarrrsss. So stoked. And again, I found myself walking away, thanking the Lord for this amazing opportunity He has provided.

I texted a professor to let him know he should be excited to hear about the conversation we had! The rest of the day kinda went. Nothing to report. Just lab and such. Then this morning, I again, had a difficult time of waking up. When I finally convinced myself I needed to, I took off my mask to reveal a very dark room. I smiled in my head - physically smiling would have taken too much effort that early in the morning. I went to the bathroom and came out to see the weather. The sky was blanketed in a light grey color. My heart skipped a beat. I would be able to throw on a sweatshirt... my desire from yesterday.... the desire that had carried to today. I walked back to my room, threw on a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt and was ready for the day. Again, I found myself thanking the Lord for providing me with a day to wear a sweatshirt.

I embarked on my walk to class, sat through a boring lecture, then went to talk to the professor I had texted about the veterinary opportunities. He nearly jumped out of his chair, he was so excited to hear what we had to tell him. We ended up having an hour conversation with him. I gave him a hard time about not texting me back.... which he didnt realize he had even received a text... (that seemed insignificant.... but wait for it....) We went to our next class and, again, sat through a boring lecture. Halfway through the class I received a text.... from my professor, telling me I "owned this biochem lecture." Understand why hes my favorite professor?

Then I went to lunch with a good friend... Chipotle, nonetheless. Then had a random conversation with a guy in our class. The days have been a little random, but there have been interesting things in the midst of it all.

I found myself laughing the past few days, especially with my class being cancelled and todays weather. Im not saying I am the reason for those things to happen... but Id like to think so. Just kidding. But really, I was cracking up because I was complaining and just so over it all and here God comes with his great sense of humor. Kinda telling me stop your complaining, Ive got it. Telling me hes in control and that he will take care of me. Giving me reasons to praise Him, not that I should have to have specific reasons. But reminding me Hes GOT this. And I should just be trusting in Him with it all. This seems to be the consistent thing Hes been teaching me lately....

"Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn, your vindication like the noonday sun." - Psalm 37:4-6

Or if your dawn is a cloudy day.... like mine. =D

"Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”" - Psalm 91:1-2

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." - Proverbs 3:4-6

This is the Stuff

Ive had a desire to blog for the past few days, but havent had any reason to (ie. I havent had any inspiration, no funny stories, no preponderances, (preponderances??? who am I???), etc..). So, I come to my blog to write something, my fingers hovering over the keys, waiting for some initiation from my brain... nothing. I wait. My fingers remain ready to type, ready to catch anything my mind thinks of.... nothing. Significant fail. So I decided I would post anyways, and force my fingers to type... even if my brain isnt on board with the documenting.

Luckily, you dont have to hear random babblings because finally, something came to me. Earlier this week, my good friends dog was attacked by another dog while out for a walk. Apparently, the attacking dog came tearing out of a house, through a door carelessly left open, and began attacking my friends dear dog. Little Cotton is so sweet that she didnt even defend herself, but she took it. Before you get sad, she is doing good. She had stitches and tubes to drain any fluid buildup on the top of her head, but she is doing really well. I met her for the first time last night and she is just one of the sweetest dogs Ive ever met - and I have met a LOT of dogs... Much like my dogs, she is a people dog, desiring to be pet and loved on.

It kinda hit me recently how inspiring this little girl is. My sweet girl inspires me, too, but thankfully my dogs have never been in a situation where they have been attacked like this. I thought of how often we get attacked, out of nowhere, by the unexpected. Throughout life, we encounter storms - some storms pass, some are harder than others, and some people live in a storm... basically, permanently. Sometimes, you can see the storms coming from a mile away and you have time to prepare for them. Sometimes, you barely have seconds before they attack you from all angles, with no way of escaping. Whats important is how you deal with it and how you recover from it. As Christians, we are blessed to know we have a mighty Savior to surrender to. Surrender our problems, our struggles, our storms. Speaking for myself, being a control-freak, this is probably the most difficult aspect of being a Christian. I want to fix everything myself and typically have an extremely difficult time surrendering everything. Though I will say that rarely do I roll over and take it, which in some cases may be the best thing to do. Anyways. Back to my point.

This blog wasnt necessarily aimed to be about me. It was aimed to be a generalization about how life not only knocks you down, but it attacks you, and how were expected to get back up, dust ourselves off, and keep trekking on. Little Cotton experienced one of the worst forms of attack - a physical attack. But she acts perfectly fine. If it werent for her little tubes and stitches, you wouldnt know she had been so maliciously attacked. Shes inspiring - her happy smile and innocent attitude, refusing to stay down.

(Though this blog wasnt supposed to be about me - heres the 'me' part...) I came home for the weekend, after a long week. Nothing particularly bad happened, it was just long and filled with tests and studying and dumb schoolwork. I needed a bit of a break, so naturally, I headed home. However, upon entering my room, I noticed I had mail on my bed. Not abnormal, but its contents werent of the typical ads and such. This contained a ticket, which I had received a few weeks ago... I know - tragic. Well, this ticket turned out to be way more than I had expected. I became discouraged. Thinking about having to pay the ticket, needing to work to pay off the ticket, as well as, needing money throughout the summer and next year. I need to take classes this summer. I need to get in more observation hours for grad school. Instantly, my mind was taken over with discouraging, frustrating, and stressful thoughts.

Then I thought of little Cotton and her smile, despite tubes, stitches, swelling, pain meds... I couldnt help but shake my head at myself. Trust in the Lord, I told myself. Earlier this week, my friend introduced me to a new song. It is so applicable to my life. And especially with the fact that I just got a ticket.... The song is by Francesca Battistelli, called "This is the Stuff."

"I lost my keys in the great unknown
And call me please 'Cuz I can't find my phone

This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff that's getting to me lately
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I'm blessed
This is the stuff that gets under my skin
But I gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing
It might not be what I would choose
But this is the stuff You use

45 in a 35
Sirens and fines while I'm running behind

This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff that's getting to me lately
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I'm blessed
This is the stuff that gets under my skin
But I gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing
It might not be what I would choose
But this is the stuff You use

So break me of impatience
Conquer my frustrations
I've got a new appreciation
It's not the end of the world

This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff
Someone save me
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I'm blessed
This is the stuff that gets under my skin
And I've gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing
It might not be what I would choose
But this is the stuff You use"

How awesome is that? It proved to be a friendly reminder as I listened to it, just last night. Ultimately, kinda random post... I know. But Ive finally blogged! And - to me - it was worthwhile to mention it all. Hopefully you got a little something out of it, even if it was knowing that you arent alone in your storms.