Faithful Promises

Today is October 23. Which means its day October 23 of Jesus Calling. Now. I'm not going to pretend I read every day of Jesus Calling. But every now and then I'm curious to see what the Lord is telling me. Truly, every time I open that little book I discover - yet another - reason why I love it. I don't open it enough. And I don't know why I don't go to that over other, for lack of a better term, non-inspiring resources. But that is not my focus today.

If you read Jesus Calling religiously, you know what today was about. If you don't, I will tell you. Or rather, I will type up what the day says.

"As you turn your attention to Me, feel the Light of My Presence shining upon you, Open your mind and heart to receive My heavenly smile of approval. Let My gold-tinged Love wash over you and soak into the depths of your being. As you are increasingly filled with My Being, you experience joyous union with Me: I in you, and you in Me. Your Joy-in-Me and My Joy-in-you become intertwined and inseparable. I suffuse your soul with Joy in My Presence; at My right hand there are pleasures forevermore."

Then it gives two verses to further dive into the meaning of the words and help you create an even more impacting and joyous image. John 17:20-23 and Psalm 16:11.

I wish so bad I was this person who, after reading this, just smiles and sits back, closes her eyes, and feels the joy of being in the Presence of the Lord. Sits in silence and peace, with a heart that just pours over with joy. But, I'm not. I never have been. Despite how hard I try. I think that is what my sister and my grandma do. And I am so jealous of them for that. They provide so much incite about what they are reading in the Word and they want to dive even more into it and share about it. Awesome right? My mom is insightful about what she reads, too, but I think she understands where I'm coming from (which is still not evident yet - I'm sure).

So as I sat back, I imagined the Lord sitting next to me, staring at me. Like a child who made his mom a mothers day card and was eagerly awaiting her response to viewing it. And I managed a smile, because it is a wonderful feeling and scene to picture - being one with my Creator. But I still didn't feel that overwhelming joy almost everyone on earth experiences... Or at least, those are the people who talk about their quiet times with the Lord. Always describing it as "rejuvenating, enlightening, fulfilling, joyous, captivating,..." you get the picture.

This is a big reason of why I don't openly discuss my quiet time. Who wants to hear that they read the Bible and it just wasn't quite what they needed or they are still not content? So I began to ponder a different way to approach my readings. And though my thought process started to drift from October 23 of Jesus Calling, it still relates. I also read Psalm 91 - which is still slightly in line with Jesus Calling. Promises to those who dwell in the shelter of the Lord.

And I began to realize something. The Bible is filled with promises. Nearly every time I open it and read, I find a promise. Not just any promise - God's Promises. My family taking promising very seriously. You can't go back on a promise. And you can never - NEVER - lie if you promise. But with all these promises in the Bible comes something that isn't guaranteed or offered anywhere else in the world. With God's promises comes fulfillment. He follows through on what He promises. Even when we can't feel it, even when we don't see it, He follows through.

So as I read through Psalm 91 as the Lord is promising that if we dwell with Him and use Him as our place of Refuge and safety, He will protect us. He will be with us in trouble times. He will send His angels to guard us. These are promises that we can trust and have faith in. Jesus Calling doesn't say "As you are immediately filled with My Being, you experience joyous union with Me." It says "As you are increasingly filled with My Being, you experience joyous union with Me." Just because I didn't feel joy instantly doesn't mean it doesn't exist. It means I need to seek Him more - increasingly being filled by Him. Then I will experience joy. 

I choose to feel reassurance and peace. Many feel such joy when talking with the Lord, I'm tired of not feeling it. And I do feel reassured and comforted knowing one thing is always constant. People constantly let us down. They break promises, they fail. We are human. We are not perfect. But only One makes promise after promise and will hold true to all of them. Maybe we don't see it or feel it today or tomorrow, but we know we can trust in Him. 

I don't know where I'm headed in life. I don't know if I will ever feel pure joy in my life. But I can feel comforted knowing that I have someone who promises me things and will always hold up His end of the bargain. 

It's my turn to hold up mine.

The Trouble with Fear

As you may - or may not - know, I graduated from college a little over a year ago now. Gee. A year. Where in the world did the time go?? What have I been doing since then? Well, let me tell you. Not much.

I've continued to work at the same place since graduating, the same place I worked at during college when I would come home on summer break and often times during Christmas. I enrolled in and completed Physics this Spring, so I am one step closer to graduate school. Pretty much any graduate school. I've spent every free moment at home, with my Ava and our new Brinkley. Literally. Every free moment. Partly because I don't really have any friends around here. Mostly because I love home and I love my dog(s) even more.

But you get to a point where you think, what am I doing?? I mean, I need to choose/find a career. I need to become a full-fledged adult. I have a dog to support. And hopefully I'll have more to support one day. I've decided to not go in the direction I've been striving towards for the past 4+ years. I think I've written about that. And I'm ok with that decision. The problem now is where do I go? What do I do?

So I embarked on a new career venture toward Physical Therapy. I've been told I would make an excellent Physical Therapist... apparently I have the right personality. [This isn't necessarily a compliment...] I visited a private campus, an extension from a graduate school in Florida. It is based in San Diego (which is much more viable for me). It only has 2 programs. Yes you read correctly - 2. Occupational therapy and physical therapy. It is kinda perfect for me. It's a shorter program, though more intense. It's small so I don't have to walk all over the place to get to class. The only thing I'm concerned about is the internships you do. Where you're sent wherever they want to send you. Finding housing for 2 or more months is completely your responsibility. And you don't know where you will be sent. But even as my head told me that just isn't happening, my heart was consoled when I found out students take their dogs with them. And even more consoled when the proposal of my grandma coming along with me - and her totally liking the idea. So I proceeded to process.

What's standing in my way? Observation hours. Once I track down 80 observation hours, I'm good to go. I can apply no problem.

And even with knowing how close I am, I continue to look into my options. The first time I don't just go for something at the drop of a hat. Usually, when I shop, I grab the first thing I see. No need to further exploration. That's a fairly good description of me. And usually, I'm content with my choice. Except for these situations. Regarding my life. I'm more meticulous and indecisive. So I have come up with becoming a real estate agent. I can watch hgtv all day. I love home shows. I came up with a handful of reasons why I would make a great real estate agent. My favorite reasons - its so quick to get licensed and you create your own schedule, so you can be extremely flexible. However, I'm terrible at marketing myself. Literally I loathe talking about myself and putting myself out there the way you have to in real estate. I've also come up with becoming a chef. (Something that has always been in the option list.) Because I can watch food network all day long. And I love being creative with food.

I mean, the list goes on and on. And why am I still sitting, job searching and processing? Because I'm afraid. Do you know what the biggest trouble with fear is? It's paralyzing. It'll stop you in your tracks, steal your voice and confidence, and ruin a plan.

So in this place of feeling stuck and needing to move forward, the most influential feeling is fear. And it is stopping me from doing anything. Pathetic isn't it? The Bible says not to fear enough times to be said every day for a year. I know the Lord is in control. I just want a door to be opened. I know I'm probably reading it wrong and really, multiple doors are open, I just need to decide which one to walk through. And no matter which door I choose, the Lord is with me.

I just need to get over this and move forward. I know you're probably shocked to hear I'm afraid. I am the one who fears nothing! (Besides creepy crawlies.) But big decisions scare me. Paralyze me. Stops me in my tracks. Steals my voice and confidence. And ruins my plan. And what am I even afraid of?? Oh plenty. Failure. Not remembering what I've learned. Not liking it. Being put on the spot. Name it, I'm probably afraid of it.

But somehow, I'll get past this. 

And move forward into life. 

My grandma is depending on me for an adventure! 

Ava is depending on me for a sweet life! 

I need to grow up! 

.......

Yikes.

To Burger or Not to Burger...

Well its way past due for that time again. The time to entertain my audience with a funny story, Carly insights, an all-about-Ava post, or really at this point - MONTHS after my last post - ANYTHING for my readers to read. I guess you could say Ive been trying to build the suspense. But really, I dont have great stories to tell. My life revolves around my canine child and I know people get tired of hearing all about her. So I took myself away from the blog world to regroup and re-examine.

Again, I really just havent had any brilliant things to share. But its me. I mean, I do always have something to say. Whether it be on the weather, on driving around, errands, etc.. My reputation of having an opinion succeeds me. [Is that the proper terminology?]

Anywhoo. I figured Id share about a consistent struggle in my life. Something Ive always had looming over my head and always had to face, but really tried to ignore. And recently, I had a slight epiphany. Well, maybe epiphany is a little too bold of a word. I had a realization. And I thought some people would understand and join in my realization with me. The past several weeks, to months, to really years, I have had the desire to lose weight. Ive never been small. And when a lot of people say that, they really were years ago, but they forgot those days. No. I mean, Ive never been a small person. I was a crazy child who always had energy. I played sports, though I was never the fastest runner or the fastest swimming. I feel I have extra floatation devices holding me back. But I was tough in my sports. I played positions that I didnt need to be fast because I could use my strength. Even in that though, I would be exercising for hours a day and depressingly, never lost a pound. Apparently I was building muscle. I swear - you cant do one without the other. I would give up. Sure I was getting stronger, but I wasnt seeing the results I wanted to see. And that is not encouraging.

So the past several years, while I was in college, I was a Kinesiology major. I was nearly the only person in my department who didnt like to run. And pretty much really didnt like working out. I need incentive. I need something fun, where it feels like Im not working out. And most importantly, I need to see the pounds falling on the floor. If it doesnt have those things, count me out or count me done after a try. The nice thing was in college, I would actually lose weight because I wasnt eating good home cooked food. I was also doing more and had a higher level of stress, which took a toll on my eating. But all in the meanwhile, we would talk about exercising and eating right in my classes and all I could do was look around at all the triathalon looking bodies and think "you people dont understand." In one class, I was even used as an example because I was the only person who admitted to hate running. Luckily, I wasnt scrutinized - it was used as "what other activities could we suggest that would make her enjoy working out?" And that was my Kinesiology class life.

Upon graduating and returning home, I have indulged in my moms cooking, along with the ability to have thin mints or extra snacks that I wouldnt usually find in my apartment at school. Yes, those pounds I may have lost at school have crept up on me with a vengence for not doing it properly. Dont get me wrong. Ive dieted. Ive have "lifestyle changes." And they worked temporarily. And slowly. Have you ever watched a snail move? Well, I wish I was losing weight that fast. But then I get to a point where its not happening fast enough. Its too much work. Its exhausting. Its hard. Excuses? Im the queen when it comes to this stuff. My sister and I started going back to the gym, eager to get bikini bodies by the time we went to Italy. We would look at all the skinny people at the gym and think "go home, youre done here!" Well. We went a total of maybe five times from January to our trip in March. Obviously, we didnt have bikini ready bodies, as much as we were excited talking about it and determined to see our vision through. I will add that Italy was cold and rainy. We had rain coats on the whole time! So fortunately, our not-so-bikini bodies did not need to be modeled.

So here I am, almost two months after our Italy trip, still wanting to lose weight. Still wanting to be a runner because I know Ava would absolutely love that. Where was I going with all this?? A realization... Oh right!

I have a lot of friends who post pictures of their breakfast/lunch/dinner choices on facebook or instagram (yes! I have an instagram now!) and have elated captions with the food. Mind you, its a shake. Not a cookies n cream shake, but a honey, sea grass, flaxseed, cranberry shake. And the captions usually say something to this effect: "The perfect way to start a day! Yum!" or "I dont know what Id do without my dirt smoothie!" It takes every fiber in my being to not comment and say "Well my pancakes and sausage would beg to differ!" Because really, if I started my day out like that (and I have recently), its not a good way to start my day. And I see those posts and have these thoughts every time. And suddenly it hit me.

These people arent crazy! Theyre using reverse psychology! On themselves! Let me explain. If you are going to eat that healthy poop, then you HAVE to convince yourself its delicious too. Its completely mental. I felt a little better. Knowing oh, they want to dump that and grab an egg mcmuffin too! Theyre just pretending its good! I think its mean that the best food is actually the worse food for you.

And with that realization came more thought. I want to lose weight. Seriously. And I probably need to. But I know I will never be tiny. I am big boned - its totally a thing. But I could look healthier. I could be toned and more defined. Im muscular, so I will never be incredibly lean. But I cant eat food that I dont like. If Im going to take it in, it needs to be good. Good tasting. Otherwise Id rather not eat. Thats where the portion thing comes in. Paula Deen lost all her weight through portion control, not by taking real butter out of her dishes. And she doesnt indulge in nearly as many sweets and rich things as she used to. Well. Props to her. I have a self disciplined problem. Hence why I havent gone to the gym this week and dont opt away from the thin mints. My grandma doesnt eat chocolate. Her reasons were not weight, but she hasnt touched chocolate in years! Props!

So in my quest to lose weight, I have to focus on fun exercise. Ive realized. I refuse to give up the things I love for the rest of my life. I love food. I love cooking. I love tasting. Food makes me happy. Maybe only for a bit, but I actually rarely have times where I think "I wish I didnt eat that." If Im stuffed, I think "Was it delicious? Yes. Then it was worth it." I dont have the self disciple to give up burgers for the rest of my life. Or meat. Or chocolate because there are times where I want a smore. If you are ok with giving up that food, then props to you. I hope you enjoy your days and find other things that fulfill that happiness.

And so, I have decided, for now, and for always, I will have food. Because in reality, everyone wishes they could have the delicious real stuff that they may push aside.

Life With Ava

Well, Ive had my little bundle of joy for a few months now. She has quickly become part of the family. She is so easy to love. Shes intelligent, respectful, playful, hilarious, sweet, and so much more! She is the gift that keeps on giving.

Obviously, Ive been a little MIA on here... hardly any posts the pasts few months. And I was doing really good at the beginning of the year! Sorry about that.... although truthfully I havent had any great stories to share with the world. And Im kinda one of those "new parents" everyone groans about because all they can talk about is their new child. But all my stories really are about Ava. So I decided I would try not to solely talk about her but that she is my baby, so if people get irritated with Ava stories then they just need to find a new friend.

So I thought I would share how my life has changed since Ava entered my world. Since she IS my stories nowadays... Not that Im complaining! I dont want to talk about anything else!

First off - I wake up a lot earlier. My day usually begins between 5 and 6am. I make her wait until 6, which she is getting better at each day. She stretches out across my body - I dont understand how it could be comfortable for her. She yawns with a little whine. She jumps off the bed, then back on. She sits next to me and stares at me. She grabs a random find and chews on it... Today it was a receipt. Really though - this is better than in the beginning. Shes the sweetest in the morning.

This means that Im typically tired throughout most of the day and turn in pretty early at night. And with that, Im asleep within minutes of my head hitting the pillow... which is pretty rare for me. (The 8 or 9 oclock bed times could be why she wakes up so early.... I guess the problem could be my own fault.)

We ALL have to be a lot more protective and careful with our food... Especially Mom. Ava has stolen a hamburger right out of her hand before! Shes also stolen a muffin, chips, and a few other things. She is a true Lab. Always hungry, will eat anything. I usually share my banana with her in the mornings. She is getting better, but not enough to put food close to the edge of the counter or leave food unattended to on the table.

(Here is a fun, hilarious video I caught of my girl in action!)

I drive differently with her - more methotically and with quieter music.

I dont have my nails painted nearly as often as I used to. I find that I have to jump on the opportunity to paint them when Avas sleeping... otherwise they wont last long with teeth scrapings and hair in them.

I spend more money at Petsmart than anywhere else, for anything else. I may go in needing food, but I never walk out without a new toy of some sort. Poor dog has toys coming out of her ears.

Im always rushing home from whatever I was out doing, just because I want to get to her. And of course, to Sam too. Hes still around and our big sweet boy. (Liking Ava more and more, but still not wanting to admit it, might I add.)

We have another dog that has assumed the position of guard dog, a position Casey took very seriously. So Ava has some big shoes to fill, but I think she knows and is doing a good job at filling them. Though I havent figured out the best way to get her to stop barking and growling at company, she is the first to alert us and keep the house safe.

There are so many other little things that are done differently now that we have a little one running around. But its funner with her. She provides endless entertainment. Shes growing up a little more each day, but she is definitely still a puppy! My little puppy!