To Burger or Not to Burger...

Well its way past due for that time again. The time to entertain my audience with a funny story, Carly insights, an all-about-Ava post, or really at this point - MONTHS after my last post - ANYTHING for my readers to read. I guess you could say Ive been trying to build the suspense. But really, I dont have great stories to tell. My life revolves around my canine child and I know people get tired of hearing all about her. So I took myself away from the blog world to regroup and re-examine.

Again, I really just havent had any brilliant things to share. But its me. I mean, I do always have something to say. Whether it be on the weather, on driving around, errands, etc.. My reputation of having an opinion succeeds me. [Is that the proper terminology?]

Anywhoo. I figured Id share about a consistent struggle in my life. Something Ive always had looming over my head and always had to face, but really tried to ignore. And recently, I had a slight epiphany. Well, maybe epiphany is a little too bold of a word. I had a realization. And I thought some people would understand and join in my realization with me. The past several weeks, to months, to really years, I have had the desire to lose weight. Ive never been small. And when a lot of people say that, they really were years ago, but they forgot those days. No. I mean, Ive never been a small person. I was a crazy child who always had energy. I played sports, though I was never the fastest runner or the fastest swimming. I feel I have extra floatation devices holding me back. But I was tough in my sports. I played positions that I didnt need to be fast because I could use my strength. Even in that though, I would be exercising for hours a day and depressingly, never lost a pound. Apparently I was building muscle. I swear - you cant do one without the other. I would give up. Sure I was getting stronger, but I wasnt seeing the results I wanted to see. And that is not encouraging.

So the past several years, while I was in college, I was a Kinesiology major. I was nearly the only person in my department who didnt like to run. And pretty much really didnt like working out. I need incentive. I need something fun, where it feels like Im not working out. And most importantly, I need to see the pounds falling on the floor. If it doesnt have those things, count me out or count me done after a try. The nice thing was in college, I would actually lose weight because I wasnt eating good home cooked food. I was also doing more and had a higher level of stress, which took a toll on my eating. But all in the meanwhile, we would talk about exercising and eating right in my classes and all I could do was look around at all the triathalon looking bodies and think "you people dont understand." In one class, I was even used as an example because I was the only person who admitted to hate running. Luckily, I wasnt scrutinized - it was used as "what other activities could we suggest that would make her enjoy working out?" And that was my Kinesiology class life.

Upon graduating and returning home, I have indulged in my moms cooking, along with the ability to have thin mints or extra snacks that I wouldnt usually find in my apartment at school. Yes, those pounds I may have lost at school have crept up on me with a vengence for not doing it properly. Dont get me wrong. Ive dieted. Ive have "lifestyle changes." And they worked temporarily. And slowly. Have you ever watched a snail move? Well, I wish I was losing weight that fast. But then I get to a point where its not happening fast enough. Its too much work. Its exhausting. Its hard. Excuses? Im the queen when it comes to this stuff. My sister and I started going back to the gym, eager to get bikini bodies by the time we went to Italy. We would look at all the skinny people at the gym and think "go home, youre done here!" Well. We went a total of maybe five times from January to our trip in March. Obviously, we didnt have bikini ready bodies, as much as we were excited talking about it and determined to see our vision through. I will add that Italy was cold and rainy. We had rain coats on the whole time! So fortunately, our not-so-bikini bodies did not need to be modeled.

So here I am, almost two months after our Italy trip, still wanting to lose weight. Still wanting to be a runner because I know Ava would absolutely love that. Where was I going with all this?? A realization... Oh right!

I have a lot of friends who post pictures of their breakfast/lunch/dinner choices on facebook or instagram (yes! I have an instagram now!) and have elated captions with the food. Mind you, its a shake. Not a cookies n cream shake, but a honey, sea grass, flaxseed, cranberry shake. And the captions usually say something to this effect: "The perfect way to start a day! Yum!" or "I dont know what Id do without my dirt smoothie!" It takes every fiber in my being to not comment and say "Well my pancakes and sausage would beg to differ!" Because really, if I started my day out like that (and I have recently), its not a good way to start my day. And I see those posts and have these thoughts every time. And suddenly it hit me.

These people arent crazy! Theyre using reverse psychology! On themselves! Let me explain. If you are going to eat that healthy poop, then you HAVE to convince yourself its delicious too. Its completely mental. I felt a little better. Knowing oh, they want to dump that and grab an egg mcmuffin too! Theyre just pretending its good! I think its mean that the best food is actually the worse food for you.

And with that realization came more thought. I want to lose weight. Seriously. And I probably need to. But I know I will never be tiny. I am big boned - its totally a thing. But I could look healthier. I could be toned and more defined. Im muscular, so I will never be incredibly lean. But I cant eat food that I dont like. If Im going to take it in, it needs to be good. Good tasting. Otherwise Id rather not eat. Thats where the portion thing comes in. Paula Deen lost all her weight through portion control, not by taking real butter out of her dishes. And she doesnt indulge in nearly as many sweets and rich things as she used to. Well. Props to her. I have a self disciplined problem. Hence why I havent gone to the gym this week and dont opt away from the thin mints. My grandma doesnt eat chocolate. Her reasons were not weight, but she hasnt touched chocolate in years! Props!

So in my quest to lose weight, I have to focus on fun exercise. Ive realized. I refuse to give up the things I love for the rest of my life. I love food. I love cooking. I love tasting. Food makes me happy. Maybe only for a bit, but I actually rarely have times where I think "I wish I didnt eat that." If Im stuffed, I think "Was it delicious? Yes. Then it was worth it." I dont have the self disciple to give up burgers for the rest of my life. Or meat. Or chocolate because there are times where I want a smore. If you are ok with giving up that food, then props to you. I hope you enjoy your days and find other things that fulfill that happiness.

And so, I have decided, for now, and for always, I will have food. Because in reality, everyone wishes they could have the delicious real stuff that they may push aside.

Morning Glory

I love mornings.

I love waking early to witness a beautiful sunrise, feeling grateful for a new day, a fresh start...

I love listening to the birds chirping outside my window, singing a chipper morning song...

I love the sun creeping in through the windows, announcing its arrival for a new day...

I love smelling hot coffee, which lures me out of bed to taste its yummy goodness...

I love hearing crackling bacon, beckoning me to investigate a delicious breakfast cooking...

I love taking a hot shower to feel refreshed, prepared for whatever the day holds...

I love choosing my outfit, allowing it to set my mood for the rest of the day...

I love knowing everyone on the road is going to a similar destination - work (and they probably arent super happy about it either)...

I love offering an upbeat "Good Morning!" to everyone I come in contact to - you can only do that until 11 or 12, you know...

At least thats what I keep reciting to myself

as I wake up each morning lately.

The truth is... and this may be a complete shocker to you - if you dont know me -

I hate mornings.

I have even discussed this in a previous blog before. I hate waking up. I hate hearing the birds chirping. I hate that the sun has found ways into my room. I hate physically getting up. I hate leaving my warm, cozy bed to be exposed to the cold, harsh air. I hate getting dressed - the pressure to choose an outfit becomes overwhelming sometimes. (It is not uncommon for me to express my frustrations with Adam and Eve for eating that fruit... because of that act, we are forced to wear clothes each day. But thats another conversation.)

Lately I have been working mornings. Let me reiterate, in case you slept through the beginning of this post... I hate mornings. But its not just that I dont like them, it is also that I am not made for operating in the morning. I was not created to function properly in the mornings. I cant help it. Ive heard it is possible to trick your brain into (or out of) something and it can become normal... Therefore, I have tried to have a positive attitude about mornings, convincing myself of the good aspects of mornings... but this positivity is short lived. Being positive about something I am so negative about is just not an easy task. I found it would take even more energy to have a good attitude... and I needed to save my energy for actually getting up and getting ready.

Anyways. I get to work and for some reason, God has put me in a place where every person is a "Good Morning!" type of person. So people are smiling and chipper all around me and I just want to growl and do my job... until about 10 oclock when I can start to think clear enough to have an understandable conversation. But the past few days, the early mornings have drained me for the entire day. Even by noon, I still cant think clearly, Im stumbling over my words, I feel like Im moving in slow motion, and doing what needs to be done seems unreasonably difficult. Just as an example of what I am talking about - A woman called asking what vaccines we require for an animal to stay with us. "Bordetella, Rabies, and Distemper Parvo" I tell her. Short jibber jabber and were done. Not 5 minutes later, I hear my manager on the phone "the feline vaccine and Rabies." Apparently I told the woman dog vaccines when she had a cat. There were many more of these types of situations. Luckily my manager laughed pretty hard and wasnt irritated with my blatant mistake. Ive been wearing 2 different socks - repeatedly cuz I dont feel like taking the extra time to find matching ones. These are how my days have been going. And I barely make it home, where I sit down and never want to get up again. These mornings are killing me!!!!

I know I should be grateful because I am incredibly blessed. And I am grateful. Mornings truly are a blessing. I am blessed I was given another day. I am blessed I dont have to wake up earlier than I do. I am blessed to have a cup of coffee to help wake me up, (which I have discovered really does make a difference). I am blessed to have hot water for a shower... if I decide to wake up even earlier to take one. I am blessed to have a job to go to where I can make money and get hours. I try not to take it all for granted, but I know I do.

I cant promise that I will have a better attitude and constantly be positive about the mornings... I cant promise that because I know it wont last. But for now, I will remind myself of the beauty of mornings in the small things - that really arent that small at all. Like a sunrise. The radiance and bliss of a glorious sunrise is the perfect reminder of the magnificent day the Lord has created.

"...they are like the new grass of the morning: In the morning it springs up new, but by evening it is dry and withered." - Psalm 90:5-6

Fifty is Freedom!

In honor of my Moms 50th birthday on July 10, I had been planning to do a "50 things I love about my Mom" post... However my sister gave my mom a gift of a handmade 50 things scrapbook. Yup. Beat out again by my much-more-creative-than-me sister. So. Mine wont be nearly as good and there may be repeats of things my sister said in this blog, but these are some of the things I love and cherish about my mom.

1. She is absolutely beautiful. She keeps saying she looks like shes 50 and just laughs if people say she looks younger... so to appease her, I will say: shes rockin 50 by looking faaaantastic!!

2. She has a generous and caring heart.

3. She recognizes right from wrong and stands up for the right. Shes passionate about these things and is willing to fight for them.

4. She lets me wear her scrubs.

5. She is an amazing friend. One who people can depend on, are eager to talk to, trust to confide in, and genuinely love.

6. She is a loving daughter and sister, always calling her siblings and parents on their birthdays to sing to them. She checks in on her parents from time to time and loves spending time with her mom (aka my grandma).

7. She drives a big car and was always the hottest mama carpoolin!

8. She has been knocked down by so many of lifes grievances, yet she continues to stand up and trudge on... giving all the glory to the Lord. She truly inspires me.

9. She loves the Lord with all her heart and has instilled a desire to seek Him in both my sister and me.

10. She would rather have a BicMac than a salad. She would rather have a brownie than a piece of fruit. Shes my kinda Mama!

11. She is incredibly supportive of everything I want to do and strive after.

12. Not only is she supportive of me, but she is my biggest fan. She is so encouraging in all of my adventures, always telling me to do my best. And when my best isnt good enough, she still makes me feel like it was THEE best.

13. She is realistic and plans everything out with/for me. She knows going from point a to point b takes a lot of turns in betwee, so she makes all the necessary plans for it.

14. She has faith in me... probably more than I have in myself sometimes. But without her faith in me, I doubt I would shoot for my dreams the way I have.

15. She is mama bear when it comes to her kids... always willing to drop someone off the earth if we get hurt.

16. She understands me in a way nobody else does. Truly gets me.

17. She appreciates my humor and returns with her own witty remarks. Spending a day with my mom leaves my side hurting from laughing so much. Its amazing.

18. She is honest, yet respectful when giving advice. It may not always be what you want to hear, but its what you need to hear.

19. Shes always in my corner. Always lets me vent and will stand behind me, even help me fight my battles if not fight them for me.

20. Shes willing to drive to Riverside at the drop of a hat - it I say I need her, she will be on her way. Whether its because of a hard day or I forget something, she is more than willing to come to me if I ask.

21. She listens to me, and really hears what I have to say. She has never brushed me off or given me half an ear... She will stop what shes doing to hear what I have to say on any given day.

22. When she makes a commitment, she follows through with it. She remains committed and sees it to the end.

23. She appreciates the little things and remembers to be thankful for the smallest moments in life.

24. She makes signs to welcome me home and hangs them all over the house... theres no other house I would rather return to on breaks than this home.

25. She has dreams... Shes a visionary. Whether theyre about things she wants to accomplish being personal goals, or remodels on the house - she is able to see a finished product before it begins.

26. She went to dental hygien school to create a better life for her kids - us.

27. Shes opinionated and compassionate. Not many people can appreciate this.... but I can.... and those who really know me would understand why.

28. She shares in my opinions and ideas. This makes a lot of conversations go a lot more smoothly than if we disagreed.

29. Shes incredibly intelligent. I dont give her enough credit sometimes. She pulls things out of nowhere and I still dont know how she knows it.

30. Shes wise. She has learned from life experiences and has common knowledge and is willing to let people in on little "secrets". [I dont know if that makes sense at all, but it kinda does.]

31. Shes creative. Just look at the ideas she came up with for her and my sisters 3-day walk fundraising open house! Very creative!

32. She will laugh like Van and Cheyenne with me.

33. She loves animals. For years, she allowed MY dog to take over HER pillow at night.

34. She takes me to tea and talks in fun accents. Shes created a special tea time that I will never take for granted.

35. She obliges me in my love for green bean casserole and meatloaf... weird things like that.

36. She will go with me to run errands... even if its just returning the favor, I still appreciate it.

37. She sits outside with our sweet Sam while he eats nowadays - he wants company when he eats.

38. She persuades me to buy something we both like when Im on the fence about purchasing it... convincing me with anything that will get the price tag scanned and my card to come out.

39. She cheers, dances, and gets pumped with me at Padre games... shes a good buddy to take.

40. Which reminds me, shes got the best moves of any 50 year old I know!

41. She likes a lot of the same shows as me - including the horrible, "cryptic" (as she puts it), ridiculous ones.

42. She will sometimes send me a Starbucks card while Im at school if Im having a hard time or to aid in my coffee needs during finals.

43. She values time spent with loved ones and has taught me the importance of family.

44. We have similar tastes in things we like... it makes shopping kinda easy.

45. She is loyal to friends, family, or anything she commits to. She has attended the same church for years upon years... even with its frustrations, she still does love it.

46. She isnt afraid to laugh out loud or tell someone they need to pick up their dogs poop at the park.

47. She moves me into school and organizes all my stuff... cuz she knows it probably wont get done any other way...

48. She embraces my friends as her own when they come into our home or casually sees them around.

49. She tries new things and refuses to give up. One of my favorite examples is how she has planted several pretty flowers around the yard, waters them, and keeps them alive... given, this house does not have a good track record with greenery so her trying is inspiring!

50! She is EXCITED to be 50! Nobody is excited to get older, but she has embraced it and is choosing to enjoy it!

I love you with all my heart Mom! You are my hero! They say if you love something to set it free, if it stays and says 'lets order a pizza' then thats me! Ill be your buddy for life! Thank you for being the best Mom a girl could ask for! (That could be 51.) Love you!