Faithful Promises

Today is October 23. Which means its day October 23 of Jesus Calling. Now. I'm not going to pretend I read every day of Jesus Calling. But every now and then I'm curious to see what the Lord is telling me. Truly, every time I open that little book I discover - yet another - reason why I love it. I don't open it enough. And I don't know why I don't go to that over other, for lack of a better term, non-inspiring resources. But that is not my focus today.

If you read Jesus Calling religiously, you know what today was about. If you don't, I will tell you. Or rather, I will type up what the day says.

"As you turn your attention to Me, feel the Light of My Presence shining upon you, Open your mind and heart to receive My heavenly smile of approval. Let My gold-tinged Love wash over you and soak into the depths of your being. As you are increasingly filled with My Being, you experience joyous union with Me: I in you, and you in Me. Your Joy-in-Me and My Joy-in-you become intertwined and inseparable. I suffuse your soul with Joy in My Presence; at My right hand there are pleasures forevermore."

Then it gives two verses to further dive into the meaning of the words and help you create an even more impacting and joyous image. John 17:20-23 and Psalm 16:11.

I wish so bad I was this person who, after reading this, just smiles and sits back, closes her eyes, and feels the joy of being in the Presence of the Lord. Sits in silence and peace, with a heart that just pours over with joy. But, I'm not. I never have been. Despite how hard I try. I think that is what my sister and my grandma do. And I am so jealous of them for that. They provide so much incite about what they are reading in the Word and they want to dive even more into it and share about it. Awesome right? My mom is insightful about what she reads, too, but I think she understands where I'm coming from (which is still not evident yet - I'm sure).

So as I sat back, I imagined the Lord sitting next to me, staring at me. Like a child who made his mom a mothers day card and was eagerly awaiting her response to viewing it. And I managed a smile, because it is a wonderful feeling and scene to picture - being one with my Creator. But I still didn't feel that overwhelming joy almost everyone on earth experiences... Or at least, those are the people who talk about their quiet times with the Lord. Always describing it as "rejuvenating, enlightening, fulfilling, joyous, captivating,..." you get the picture.

This is a big reason of why I don't openly discuss my quiet time. Who wants to hear that they read the Bible and it just wasn't quite what they needed or they are still not content? So I began to ponder a different way to approach my readings. And though my thought process started to drift from October 23 of Jesus Calling, it still relates. I also read Psalm 91 - which is still slightly in line with Jesus Calling. Promises to those who dwell in the shelter of the Lord.

And I began to realize something. The Bible is filled with promises. Nearly every time I open it and read, I find a promise. Not just any promise - God's Promises. My family taking promising very seriously. You can't go back on a promise. And you can never - NEVER - lie if you promise. But with all these promises in the Bible comes something that isn't guaranteed or offered anywhere else in the world. With God's promises comes fulfillment. He follows through on what He promises. Even when we can't feel it, even when we don't see it, He follows through.

So as I read through Psalm 91 as the Lord is promising that if we dwell with Him and use Him as our place of Refuge and safety, He will protect us. He will be with us in trouble times. He will send His angels to guard us. These are promises that we can trust and have faith in. Jesus Calling doesn't say "As you are immediately filled with My Being, you experience joyous union with Me." It says "As you are increasingly filled with My Being, you experience joyous union with Me." Just because I didn't feel joy instantly doesn't mean it doesn't exist. It means I need to seek Him more - increasingly being filled by Him. Then I will experience joy. 

I choose to feel reassurance and peace. Many feel such joy when talking with the Lord, I'm tired of not feeling it. And I do feel reassured and comforted knowing one thing is always constant. People constantly let us down. They break promises, they fail. We are human. We are not perfect. But only One makes promise after promise and will hold true to all of them. Maybe we don't see it or feel it today or tomorrow, but we know we can trust in Him. 

I don't know where I'm headed in life. I don't know if I will ever feel pure joy in my life. But I can feel comforted knowing that I have someone who promises me things and will always hold up His end of the bargain. 

It's my turn to hold up mine.

The Trouble with Fear

As you may - or may not - know, I graduated from college a little over a year ago now. Gee. A year. Where in the world did the time go?? What have I been doing since then? Well, let me tell you. Not much.

I've continued to work at the same place since graduating, the same place I worked at during college when I would come home on summer break and often times during Christmas. I enrolled in and completed Physics this Spring, so I am one step closer to graduate school. Pretty much any graduate school. I've spent every free moment at home, with my Ava and our new Brinkley. Literally. Every free moment. Partly because I don't really have any friends around here. Mostly because I love home and I love my dog(s) even more.

But you get to a point where you think, what am I doing?? I mean, I need to choose/find a career. I need to become a full-fledged adult. I have a dog to support. And hopefully I'll have more to support one day. I've decided to not go in the direction I've been striving towards for the past 4+ years. I think I've written about that. And I'm ok with that decision. The problem now is where do I go? What do I do?

So I embarked on a new career venture toward Physical Therapy. I've been told I would make an excellent Physical Therapist... apparently I have the right personality. [This isn't necessarily a compliment...] I visited a private campus, an extension from a graduate school in Florida. It is based in San Diego (which is much more viable for me). It only has 2 programs. Yes you read correctly - 2. Occupational therapy and physical therapy. It is kinda perfect for me. It's a shorter program, though more intense. It's small so I don't have to walk all over the place to get to class. The only thing I'm concerned about is the internships you do. Where you're sent wherever they want to send you. Finding housing for 2 or more months is completely your responsibility. And you don't know where you will be sent. But even as my head told me that just isn't happening, my heart was consoled when I found out students take their dogs with them. And even more consoled when the proposal of my grandma coming along with me - and her totally liking the idea. So I proceeded to process.

What's standing in my way? Observation hours. Once I track down 80 observation hours, I'm good to go. I can apply no problem.

And even with knowing how close I am, I continue to look into my options. The first time I don't just go for something at the drop of a hat. Usually, when I shop, I grab the first thing I see. No need to further exploration. That's a fairly good description of me. And usually, I'm content with my choice. Except for these situations. Regarding my life. I'm more meticulous and indecisive. So I have come up with becoming a real estate agent. I can watch hgtv all day. I love home shows. I came up with a handful of reasons why I would make a great real estate agent. My favorite reasons - its so quick to get licensed and you create your own schedule, so you can be extremely flexible. However, I'm terrible at marketing myself. Literally I loathe talking about myself and putting myself out there the way you have to in real estate. I've also come up with becoming a chef. (Something that has always been in the option list.) Because I can watch food network all day long. And I love being creative with food.

I mean, the list goes on and on. And why am I still sitting, job searching and processing? Because I'm afraid. Do you know what the biggest trouble with fear is? It's paralyzing. It'll stop you in your tracks, steal your voice and confidence, and ruin a plan.

So in this place of feeling stuck and needing to move forward, the most influential feeling is fear. And it is stopping me from doing anything. Pathetic isn't it? The Bible says not to fear enough times to be said every day for a year. I know the Lord is in control. I just want a door to be opened. I know I'm probably reading it wrong and really, multiple doors are open, I just need to decide which one to walk through. And no matter which door I choose, the Lord is with me.

I just need to get over this and move forward. I know you're probably shocked to hear I'm afraid. I am the one who fears nothing! (Besides creepy crawlies.) But big decisions scare me. Paralyze me. Stops me in my tracks. Steals my voice and confidence. And ruins my plan. And what am I even afraid of?? Oh plenty. Failure. Not remembering what I've learned. Not liking it. Being put on the spot. Name it, I'm probably afraid of it.

But somehow, I'll get past this. 

And move forward into life. 

My grandma is depending on me for an adventure! 

Ava is depending on me for a sweet life! 

I need to grow up! 

.......

Yikes.

Fifty is Freedom!

In honor of my Moms 50th birthday on July 10, I had been planning to do a "50 things I love about my Mom" post... However my sister gave my mom a gift of a handmade 50 things scrapbook. Yup. Beat out again by my much-more-creative-than-me sister. So. Mine wont be nearly as good and there may be repeats of things my sister said in this blog, but these are some of the things I love and cherish about my mom.

1. She is absolutely beautiful. She keeps saying she looks like shes 50 and just laughs if people say she looks younger... so to appease her, I will say: shes rockin 50 by looking faaaantastic!!

2. She has a generous and caring heart.

3. She recognizes right from wrong and stands up for the right. Shes passionate about these things and is willing to fight for them.

4. She lets me wear her scrubs.

5. She is an amazing friend. One who people can depend on, are eager to talk to, trust to confide in, and genuinely love.

6. She is a loving daughter and sister, always calling her siblings and parents on their birthdays to sing to them. She checks in on her parents from time to time and loves spending time with her mom (aka my grandma).

7. She drives a big car and was always the hottest mama carpoolin!

8. She has been knocked down by so many of lifes grievances, yet she continues to stand up and trudge on... giving all the glory to the Lord. She truly inspires me.

9. She loves the Lord with all her heart and has instilled a desire to seek Him in both my sister and me.

10. She would rather have a BicMac than a salad. She would rather have a brownie than a piece of fruit. Shes my kinda Mama!

11. She is incredibly supportive of everything I want to do and strive after.

12. Not only is she supportive of me, but she is my biggest fan. She is so encouraging in all of my adventures, always telling me to do my best. And when my best isnt good enough, she still makes me feel like it was THEE best.

13. She is realistic and plans everything out with/for me. She knows going from point a to point b takes a lot of turns in betwee, so she makes all the necessary plans for it.

14. She has faith in me... probably more than I have in myself sometimes. But without her faith in me, I doubt I would shoot for my dreams the way I have.

15. She is mama bear when it comes to her kids... always willing to drop someone off the earth if we get hurt.

16. She understands me in a way nobody else does. Truly gets me.

17. She appreciates my humor and returns with her own witty remarks. Spending a day with my mom leaves my side hurting from laughing so much. Its amazing.

18. She is honest, yet respectful when giving advice. It may not always be what you want to hear, but its what you need to hear.

19. Shes always in my corner. Always lets me vent and will stand behind me, even help me fight my battles if not fight them for me.

20. Shes willing to drive to Riverside at the drop of a hat - it I say I need her, she will be on her way. Whether its because of a hard day or I forget something, she is more than willing to come to me if I ask.

21. She listens to me, and really hears what I have to say. She has never brushed me off or given me half an ear... She will stop what shes doing to hear what I have to say on any given day.

22. When she makes a commitment, she follows through with it. She remains committed and sees it to the end.

23. She appreciates the little things and remembers to be thankful for the smallest moments in life.

24. She makes signs to welcome me home and hangs them all over the house... theres no other house I would rather return to on breaks than this home.

25. She has dreams... Shes a visionary. Whether theyre about things she wants to accomplish being personal goals, or remodels on the house - she is able to see a finished product before it begins.

26. She went to dental hygien school to create a better life for her kids - us.

27. Shes opinionated and compassionate. Not many people can appreciate this.... but I can.... and those who really know me would understand why.

28. She shares in my opinions and ideas. This makes a lot of conversations go a lot more smoothly than if we disagreed.

29. Shes incredibly intelligent. I dont give her enough credit sometimes. She pulls things out of nowhere and I still dont know how she knows it.

30. Shes wise. She has learned from life experiences and has common knowledge and is willing to let people in on little "secrets". [I dont know if that makes sense at all, but it kinda does.]

31. Shes creative. Just look at the ideas she came up with for her and my sisters 3-day walk fundraising open house! Very creative!

32. She will laugh like Van and Cheyenne with me.

33. She loves animals. For years, she allowed MY dog to take over HER pillow at night.

34. She takes me to tea and talks in fun accents. Shes created a special tea time that I will never take for granted.

35. She obliges me in my love for green bean casserole and meatloaf... weird things like that.

36. She will go with me to run errands... even if its just returning the favor, I still appreciate it.

37. She sits outside with our sweet Sam while he eats nowadays - he wants company when he eats.

38. She persuades me to buy something we both like when Im on the fence about purchasing it... convincing me with anything that will get the price tag scanned and my card to come out.

39. She cheers, dances, and gets pumped with me at Padre games... shes a good buddy to take.

40. Which reminds me, shes got the best moves of any 50 year old I know!

41. She likes a lot of the same shows as me - including the horrible, "cryptic" (as she puts it), ridiculous ones.

42. She will sometimes send me a Starbucks card while Im at school if Im having a hard time or to aid in my coffee needs during finals.

43. She values time spent with loved ones and has taught me the importance of family.

44. We have similar tastes in things we like... it makes shopping kinda easy.

45. She is loyal to friends, family, or anything she commits to. She has attended the same church for years upon years... even with its frustrations, she still does love it.

46. She isnt afraid to laugh out loud or tell someone they need to pick up their dogs poop at the park.

47. She moves me into school and organizes all my stuff... cuz she knows it probably wont get done any other way...

48. She embraces my friends as her own when they come into our home or casually sees them around.

49. She tries new things and refuses to give up. One of my favorite examples is how she has planted several pretty flowers around the yard, waters them, and keeps them alive... given, this house does not have a good track record with greenery so her trying is inspiring!

50! She is EXCITED to be 50! Nobody is excited to get older, but she has embraced it and is choosing to enjoy it!

I love you with all my heart Mom! You are my hero! They say if you love something to set it free, if it stays and says 'lets order a pizza' then thats me! Ill be your buddy for life! Thank you for being the best Mom a girl could ask for! (That could be 51.) Love you!