To Burger or Not to Burger...

Well its way past due for that time again. The time to entertain my audience with a funny story, Carly insights, an all-about-Ava post, or really at this point - MONTHS after my last post - ANYTHING for my readers to read. I guess you could say Ive been trying to build the suspense. But really, I dont have great stories to tell. My life revolves around my canine child and I know people get tired of hearing all about her. So I took myself away from the blog world to regroup and re-examine.

Again, I really just havent had any brilliant things to share. But its me. I mean, I do always have something to say. Whether it be on the weather, on driving around, errands, etc.. My reputation of having an opinion succeeds me. [Is that the proper terminology?]

Anywhoo. I figured Id share about a consistent struggle in my life. Something Ive always had looming over my head and always had to face, but really tried to ignore. And recently, I had a slight epiphany. Well, maybe epiphany is a little too bold of a word. I had a realization. And I thought some people would understand and join in my realization with me. The past several weeks, to months, to really years, I have had the desire to lose weight. Ive never been small. And when a lot of people say that, they really were years ago, but they forgot those days. No. I mean, Ive never been a small person. I was a crazy child who always had energy. I played sports, though I was never the fastest runner or the fastest swimming. I feel I have extra floatation devices holding me back. But I was tough in my sports. I played positions that I didnt need to be fast because I could use my strength. Even in that though, I would be exercising for hours a day and depressingly, never lost a pound. Apparently I was building muscle. I swear - you cant do one without the other. I would give up. Sure I was getting stronger, but I wasnt seeing the results I wanted to see. And that is not encouraging.

So the past several years, while I was in college, I was a Kinesiology major. I was nearly the only person in my department who didnt like to run. And pretty much really didnt like working out. I need incentive. I need something fun, where it feels like Im not working out. And most importantly, I need to see the pounds falling on the floor. If it doesnt have those things, count me out or count me done after a try. The nice thing was in college, I would actually lose weight because I wasnt eating good home cooked food. I was also doing more and had a higher level of stress, which took a toll on my eating. But all in the meanwhile, we would talk about exercising and eating right in my classes and all I could do was look around at all the triathalon looking bodies and think "you people dont understand." In one class, I was even used as an example because I was the only person who admitted to hate running. Luckily, I wasnt scrutinized - it was used as "what other activities could we suggest that would make her enjoy working out?" And that was my Kinesiology class life.

Upon graduating and returning home, I have indulged in my moms cooking, along with the ability to have thin mints or extra snacks that I wouldnt usually find in my apartment at school. Yes, those pounds I may have lost at school have crept up on me with a vengence for not doing it properly. Dont get me wrong. Ive dieted. Ive have "lifestyle changes." And they worked temporarily. And slowly. Have you ever watched a snail move? Well, I wish I was losing weight that fast. But then I get to a point where its not happening fast enough. Its too much work. Its exhausting. Its hard. Excuses? Im the queen when it comes to this stuff. My sister and I started going back to the gym, eager to get bikini bodies by the time we went to Italy. We would look at all the skinny people at the gym and think "go home, youre done here!" Well. We went a total of maybe five times from January to our trip in March. Obviously, we didnt have bikini ready bodies, as much as we were excited talking about it and determined to see our vision through. I will add that Italy was cold and rainy. We had rain coats on the whole time! So fortunately, our not-so-bikini bodies did not need to be modeled.

So here I am, almost two months after our Italy trip, still wanting to lose weight. Still wanting to be a runner because I know Ava would absolutely love that. Where was I going with all this?? A realization... Oh right!

I have a lot of friends who post pictures of their breakfast/lunch/dinner choices on facebook or instagram (yes! I have an instagram now!) and have elated captions with the food. Mind you, its a shake. Not a cookies n cream shake, but a honey, sea grass, flaxseed, cranberry shake. And the captions usually say something to this effect: "The perfect way to start a day! Yum!" or "I dont know what Id do without my dirt smoothie!" It takes every fiber in my being to not comment and say "Well my pancakes and sausage would beg to differ!" Because really, if I started my day out like that (and I have recently), its not a good way to start my day. And I see those posts and have these thoughts every time. And suddenly it hit me.

These people arent crazy! Theyre using reverse psychology! On themselves! Let me explain. If you are going to eat that healthy poop, then you HAVE to convince yourself its delicious too. Its completely mental. I felt a little better. Knowing oh, they want to dump that and grab an egg mcmuffin too! Theyre just pretending its good! I think its mean that the best food is actually the worse food for you.

And with that realization came more thought. I want to lose weight. Seriously. And I probably need to. But I know I will never be tiny. I am big boned - its totally a thing. But I could look healthier. I could be toned and more defined. Im muscular, so I will never be incredibly lean. But I cant eat food that I dont like. If Im going to take it in, it needs to be good. Good tasting. Otherwise Id rather not eat. Thats where the portion thing comes in. Paula Deen lost all her weight through portion control, not by taking real butter out of her dishes. And she doesnt indulge in nearly as many sweets and rich things as she used to. Well. Props to her. I have a self disciplined problem. Hence why I havent gone to the gym this week and dont opt away from the thin mints. My grandma doesnt eat chocolate. Her reasons were not weight, but she hasnt touched chocolate in years! Props!

So in my quest to lose weight, I have to focus on fun exercise. Ive realized. I refuse to give up the things I love for the rest of my life. I love food. I love cooking. I love tasting. Food makes me happy. Maybe only for a bit, but I actually rarely have times where I think "I wish I didnt eat that." If Im stuffed, I think "Was it delicious? Yes. Then it was worth it." I dont have the self disciple to give up burgers for the rest of my life. Or meat. Or chocolate because there are times where I want a smore. If you are ok with giving up that food, then props to you. I hope you enjoy your days and find other things that fulfill that happiness.

And so, I have decided, for now, and for always, I will have food. Because in reality, everyone wishes they could have the delicious real stuff that they may push aside.