The Trouble with Fear

As you may - or may not - know, I graduated from college a little over a year ago now. Gee. A year. Where in the world did the time go?? What have I been doing since then? Well, let me tell you. Not much.

I've continued to work at the same place since graduating, the same place I worked at during college when I would come home on summer break and often times during Christmas. I enrolled in and completed Physics this Spring, so I am one step closer to graduate school. Pretty much any graduate school. I've spent every free moment at home, with my Ava and our new Brinkley. Literally. Every free moment. Partly because I don't really have any friends around here. Mostly because I love home and I love my dog(s) even more.

But you get to a point where you think, what am I doing?? I mean, I need to choose/find a career. I need to become a full-fledged adult. I have a dog to support. And hopefully I'll have more to support one day. I've decided to not go in the direction I've been striving towards for the past 4+ years. I think I've written about that. And I'm ok with that decision. The problem now is where do I go? What do I do?

So I embarked on a new career venture toward Physical Therapy. I've been told I would make an excellent Physical Therapist... apparently I have the right personality. [This isn't necessarily a compliment...] I visited a private campus, an extension from a graduate school in Florida. It is based in San Diego (which is much more viable for me). It only has 2 programs. Yes you read correctly - 2. Occupational therapy and physical therapy. It is kinda perfect for me. It's a shorter program, though more intense. It's small so I don't have to walk all over the place to get to class. The only thing I'm concerned about is the internships you do. Where you're sent wherever they want to send you. Finding housing for 2 or more months is completely your responsibility. And you don't know where you will be sent. But even as my head told me that just isn't happening, my heart was consoled when I found out students take their dogs with them. And even more consoled when the proposal of my grandma coming along with me - and her totally liking the idea. So I proceeded to process.

What's standing in my way? Observation hours. Once I track down 80 observation hours, I'm good to go. I can apply no problem.

And even with knowing how close I am, I continue to look into my options. The first time I don't just go for something at the drop of a hat. Usually, when I shop, I grab the first thing I see. No need to further exploration. That's a fairly good description of me. And usually, I'm content with my choice. Except for these situations. Regarding my life. I'm more meticulous and indecisive. So I have come up with becoming a real estate agent. I can watch hgtv all day. I love home shows. I came up with a handful of reasons why I would make a great real estate agent. My favorite reasons - its so quick to get licensed and you create your own schedule, so you can be extremely flexible. However, I'm terrible at marketing myself. Literally I loathe talking about myself and putting myself out there the way you have to in real estate. I've also come up with becoming a chef. (Something that has always been in the option list.) Because I can watch food network all day long. And I love being creative with food.

I mean, the list goes on and on. And why am I still sitting, job searching and processing? Because I'm afraid. Do you know what the biggest trouble with fear is? It's paralyzing. It'll stop you in your tracks, steal your voice and confidence, and ruin a plan.

So in this place of feeling stuck and needing to move forward, the most influential feeling is fear. And it is stopping me from doing anything. Pathetic isn't it? The Bible says not to fear enough times to be said every day for a year. I know the Lord is in control. I just want a door to be opened. I know I'm probably reading it wrong and really, multiple doors are open, I just need to decide which one to walk through. And no matter which door I choose, the Lord is with me.

I just need to get over this and move forward. I know you're probably shocked to hear I'm afraid. I am the one who fears nothing! (Besides creepy crawlies.) But big decisions scare me. Paralyze me. Stops me in my tracks. Steals my voice and confidence. And ruins my plan. And what am I even afraid of?? Oh plenty. Failure. Not remembering what I've learned. Not liking it. Being put on the spot. Name it, I'm probably afraid of it.

But somehow, I'll get past this. 

And move forward into life. 

My grandma is depending on me for an adventure! 

Ava is depending on me for a sweet life! 

I need to grow up! 

.......

Yikes.